post-punishment checklist

what follows is a direct cut-and-paste of my checklist that i'm supposed to fill out immediately after a punishment. for a slightly more reflective assessment, check out this thread on this thing we do forum.

why did i get a punishment?

--i didn't eat lunch on friday, and didn't text. i didn't do the task you had asked me to do. and then when you said you were tired after work, i was trying to figure out how tired, so that if you were very tired, then i wouldn't be as bad so you wouldn't have to punish me. i did that because i was feeling scared at myself for letting myself break a rule... i guess i was scared to trust your authority, and scared about the idea of letting you be in charge. i didn't want to do that... well, i did, but i also didn't. so when you said you were tired, i wanted to back down. i guess that i wanted to make it so that you only have to punish me when you've got a lot of energy. but the fact is, YOU decide when you punish me. if you had decided to put it off because you were tired, that would have been your choice, and it would have been my job to accept it. i need to let you make the decisions, not try to make them for you.

how did i feel before the punishment?

--nervous. not sure what would happen. i also felt like i could accept the decisions you were making, and that i wasn't in control of what was going to happen. you are the one in charge, and i was able to let you. i realized that when you say i had to let you, it didn't mean that i had to be in control. it meant that i had to let go of control, because it's true, you can't force me to accept your authority. you can only show your authority, and wait until i'm able to accept it, or not. you can't control what i think or how i feel. that's my job. what you control is what YOU do, and i had to get to a point where i could understand that, and allow that to happen. it didn't mean that i'm in charge. it meant that i had to let go of being in charge.

how did i feel after?

--i guess i feel calm. i am trying not to be worried about the fact that there is going to be a next time. and another next time. and so on. i am trying to trust that you will love me even if i'm hard. i'm trying to believe that you will love me more (not that you don't already love me as much as you can, but you know what i mean)... trying to believe you will love me more if i'm not trying to be perfect all the time. i guess i'm also realizing that i can love YOU a lot more when i'm not focused on trying to be perfect.

what were useful things w did, and what could have been changed/improved?

--thank you for making decisions without asking me what to do. that helped a lot with me being able to trust that you are in charge. and thank you for taking care of me. you were firm, and i believed that you would follow through. i was working on not thinking through what i thought should happen, and then judging whether or not you matched up to it. so for the first time in a while, maybe the first time ever, i really was just ready to accept whatever you chose to do, and not criticize it in my head while it was happening. thank you for being who you are.

what did i learn/gain from this?

--i guess the biggest thing i learned that i haven't written about already is that i got a LOT less triggered by the punishment when i was not trying to be in control. when i trusted you, it wasn't as scary. i guess this is that trust fall thing you had been talking about. when i can let go, it is a whole lot less scary.

what i WANT to be true is for this once to be enough. i don't like to get punished. i don't like to do things i shouldn't do. i don't like to be anything less than perfect. the thing that has surprised me when i've tried it out is that i actually feel better when i'm not perfect. i feel safer, and less out of control when i stop trying to control everything.

sunday "TEA party"

someone over at this thing we do forum referred to their establishing authority spankings as "TEA parties" (To Establish Authority) and w liked this, so she took the idea for herself.

anyhow, i haven't posted in quite a while, and i thought i would just copy what i wrote as the follow-up to our weekly "TEA party" and post it here as well.

i guess it has been almost two weeks since the last ea. but i have done pretty well these past two weeks and not broken any rules or anything. i have eaten my meals even when i was super stressed out and when it was hard to figure out food, and i didn't get attitude even when i was feeling overwhelmed. i have really pretty much followed my rules.

so i guess i was feeling a little resentful about having ea, since i seem to be doing pretty well without it. but i didn't say much about that to w, since i know she would add a punishment on for saying that i thought we could just keep on skipping it. because it is her decision and she isn't going to let me weasel any more. and i guess it is right for her to do that, and it's what i need, it's just that i don't FEEL like it's what i need right now because i have been really GOOD.

it wasn't that big of a spanking but it was bigger than what they used to be if i hadn't broken any rules. it was 7 minutes in the corner, followed with 50 with the strap. she let me out of getting the cane because i've been doing so well. it felt like a really hard spanking, and i said something about that during it, but then the last five, she showed me how hard it would have been if i had actually broken any rules, and those last five hurt a LOT more than the ones she had given me before. so i guess i know it wasn't that bad. also, i am able to sit down now just a couple of minutes later, and my bottom is a little sore, but usually after a punishment it hurts to sit down at all.

i guess the thing that w has really been showing me lately is that she is absolutely going to follow through, and she is making the decisions and she is sure of herself. she even did a pretty good job of helping me to get into the right head space, since we spent the morning doing some reorganizing of the living room and stuff where i wasn't in the right frame of mind for EA to be effective. so it was a big help for her to do that.

i do feel a little bit like if i go for a while without breaking any rules, i should get a coupon to get out of an EA spanking, but maybe like that could come once a month... like, if i can go for a month without breaking rules, then i can get out of EA once. that way, i would feel like i got a reward for following the rules for a long time. and if i could go for TWO months without breaking rules, then i could get a coupon to get out of EA once AND a coupon to get out of a punishment once. like a get out of jail free card or something. and more rewards if i ever manage to go for three or four months without breaking a rule.

i am pretty proud of myself for not having broken any rules, but i guess it feels a little unfair to still get EA if i have done so well. i suppose w will say something like not having one last week, or right after we got home, is the same as getting a week free. i suppose that is true, but it doesn't feel that way if you are the person who is getting the spanking.

because i needed it

i was feeling really out of sorts yesterday and today. i was doing my best to be good, but it was the kind of out of sorts where what i really want to do is test the limits. the problem is, there aren't limits i can test without doing something that is hurtful to me or w. basically, my rules are about safety or about being respectful to w and i was pretty good about meals partly because she reminded me yesterday and then today was a snow day for w and i didn't want to spoil it by picking a fight so i ate breakfast and lunch.

i guess what makes it hard for me sometimes is that there are other parts and i sometimes remember not to spoil things for them and the little kids really wanted to get to play in the snow and have fun with w and i didn't want to mess that up for them because this is the first time all year that it's snowed very much and it's not likely it'll snow this much again this year. so i wasn't going to ruin that for them they miss out on enough stuff as it is.

and since the only other rules i could break would have been things like not pushing w's buttons, and i didn't want to do something to make her stressed out, i didn't do that either. so i was feeling really out of sorts but i didn't have a good outlet.

i did let w know that i was feeling like that, and we tried some things like wii boxing which might have helped except i was too sore from a bunch of house stuff we did this weekend, so i couldn't play that very long plus that game isn't really good for me to feel like there are limits it's just good for me to get out aggression. so i was still feeling wound up and still trying not to break rules.

but w decided that i needed a spanking just because. she gave me 10 minutes to get ready and then i was supposed to come in for it and i did but i didn't really know how to get ready i guess because what it takes for me to be ready for a spanking so it will help is for her to be firm and a lot of times she is not very firm, so i get less and less ready, not on purpose, it's just what happens when she is not very firm i guess.

she gave me the spanking. she did a first part, but she could tell i needed more. she kind of talked too much right then i guess because it's not natural for her to be firm and just say she is the boss and if she decides i need a spanking i'm going to get it. i didn't know how to tell her that's all she needed to say, i think she wants to say something nicer i guess. but really, i just need to know someone is the boss and they will set limits when i need them.

i don't know if that is being submissive. i think it's just sometimes i need to push up against limits and know they are there it is like i need a container around me and i push against it but it is there and i guess when the rules and stuff are helpful then w can make that container strong enough that i feel safe.

when she gave me the second part of the spanking, she ended by doing that and it helped a lot i am not feeling so out of sorts. so even though i didn't want a spanking and i tried super hard to not do something to get one and to figure out how to make myself feel better without one i am pretty glad i got it because it did help.

trust

i'm supposed to write about trust. probably trust and a write-up of weekly maintenance, but trust is the main theme.

trust is a hard thing, especially with discipline in our relationship. this week is an example of that. w had said we'd be starting to do "sundays" again this week. "sunday" is a code word for a weekly check in and maintenance spanking. we hadn't done that for a while, mostly because everything was all mixed up while we were looking for an apartment and then moving, and then things just kind of stayed mixed up after we moved.

i don't know exactly how i feel about the maintenance spankings. part of me knows they're good when they work, but they don't always work, and it's hard to figure out why that is, and how to make them work, and sometimes it feels like we'd just be better not trying at all.

i guess that's kind of how i feel about trust. maybe things are better if i can trust people to follow through, but when that doesn't work out then it feels like it would be better not to try trusting people at all. mostly, that's how it goes. i don't count on most people in my life for things. i mean, i trust them as far as i don't think people are out to get me or anything, but i wouldn't count on them to be there for me, and i kind of have a back-up plan in mind, in case someone i've asked to do something doesn't follow through.

but that doesn't work as well with the maintenance spankings, or with discipline. if it's going to be anything other than me just pretending i have someone i can count on, or pretending that w can help, then i have to be able to trust that she's going to follow through. and that's hard, in part because she has a hard time with following through.

right. so this week. the first problem was that we were both sick, which means we spent most of the weekend sleeping. and since we have separate bedrooms, that meant we were in different rooms for most of the weekend. so the sunday maintenance didn't happen on sunday, because neither of us was really up for it. when we checked in about it yesterday (sunday), w also pointed out that it makes a lot of sense to do it on the day before our week starts, which meant today (monday) would work as well. so she made a plan: we'd get up, have breakfast, and then at noon we'd have the sunday check-in.

the thing is, if i'm not actively acting out, she often forgets to check in about the rules. and this works for a while. i can go a good long while without freaking out, and hold things together. so noon came, and no word from w about the check-in or maintenance. and over the course of the next hour, i guess i started to fall apart. i had been doing well, probably because i knew the spanking was coming. but the further we got from when it was supposed to happen, the less i was able to hold things together.

i can hear people saying, "well, you should have just reminded her." but the problem with that is, part of what i needed was to be able to trust that she would remember, and that she would make it a priority. a lot of the time lately, it's felt like discipline only happens if i ask for it. and frankly, if i ask for it, it's kind of a form of self-discipline. and it means i can't really let go, relax, not be self-disciplined. if it only comes when i ask for it, it means i still have to be on top of my behavior.

and yeah, i should be able to do that. honestly, i *can* do that a lot of the time, but when i can be on top of my own behavior, i don't need the bother of a spanking. when i'm able to be self-disciplined, i don't need the external discipline.

so around 1:30, i was freaking out about several things, and as i got more worked up, it reminded w of the spanking that should have happened. which is kind of like remembering on her own, except that, if i hadn't been freaking out, she wouldn't have.

we're working on that. i explained to w that setting reminders for herself isn't "cheating," in terms of whether or not she remembers things. she feels like she should just be able to remember, but she really can't. but she keeps trying, which means that she has a hard time getting my trust, because she isn't able to follow through on things, even when it hasn't been long since she said she'd do them.

so we had a long talk, since we both know that a spanking just doesn't work well if i'm angry. and then we went into my room for the spanking. it was still kind of... not settled, i guess, when we started. i think we hadn't had a good check-in, and so the spanking was just a spanking, not really connected to my behavior this week. and that doesn't work very well, it seems kind of beside the point.

she gave me a fairly light spanking. and i guess i did something that wasn't good for her ability to trust me. because i was still angry and resistant, i said "ok, that's enough spanking." to her, that said i was upset. which i was, but not about the spanking, so much as about the hassle of having to get it, when it didn't feel like it was working. and i guess it was something that i do sometimes, just to prove to myself that she's not really in charge. because there are things i can do or say during a spanking that will make it be not effective.

i guess it's a kind of testing, because i can't really lie well, or fake things like crying. but i can say things that are true in a way. and it's not like i wanted any more spanking. so w stopped the spanking, but then she could tell from my attitude afterward that it hadn't been enough, so she made me lean over for more spanking. at that point, there was still the problem that it wasn't addressing my behavior over the past week, it was just... a spanking. but that one was hard, and i was definitely ready for it to be over. well... not exactly. my bottom hurt like crazy, and i knew i would be sore, but i also knew there was still unfinished business, for the rules i'd broken and not gotten punishments for.

so we talked some more, and one suggestion w made was pretty smart. from here on out, sundays will have the maintenance spanking, *then* we'll talk about my behavior (she's noticed that i bring up more stuff during or right after a spanking). and then if there is unfinished business, i get the punishment spanking, after the maintenance.

this seemed like a good idea to me, but at the same time, i really, really didn't want another spanking. but at the same time, i wanted a clean slate. after some more talking, w seemed to have forgotten this idea. she was trying to come up with ideas for a punishment for things that come up after the maintenance spanking (yes, she forgets that quickly). and i said that i thought the second spanking was probably the most effective option. lots of other punishments just aren't as effective if what i need is a spanking, and it leads to power struggles and neither of us getting what we need.

so then w decided that i would be getting the punishment spanking this week. i guess i had full on puppy dog eyes or something, since she started laughing at my expression. all i know is, with my bottom already sore and throbbing, the thought of more spanking was... painful. but for the first time in a long while, i really was in the right head space for a spanking to be effective. i was sorry for my behavior, and i took responsibility for it, and i believed that w was going to follow through. so she gave me a third spanking, for skipping meals, for having a bad attitude, and for challenging her authority and getting into a power struggle that wasn't good for either of us, on friday night. so we're starting off the week, and i have a clean slate.

i know there will be testing for a while, because the fact is, w hasn't had a great track record for the past few months. things have been out of kilter, and punishments haven't happened when they should, or how they should. but maybe i should trust that it's ok to test. that's hard for me to believe. i feel guilty when i test, that i should just trust her, should just believe she will follow through, without needing proof. but maybe it's a kind of trust to let myself test until i can believe that she really will be there to catch me when i fall.

just a quick update

so, we finally got moved. this is good. if by "moved" i mean the majority of our stuff is at the new place, and we're waiting on additional reserves of energy to finish up with the move. but enough of our stuff is at the new place that it's all filled up with boxes, and we can't find anything, whereas the old place now has little enough stuff that it echoes when we walk in, and there isn't much to find.

there are advantages to the new place, but i'm not sure how ttwd will work out, since our usual spanking location, w's room, is right at the front of the apartment, facing the street, and isn't very soundproofed at all. for a variety of reasons, my room isn't a great place (mostly for my psychological well-being, and our general belief that i should have a space that is sort of my domain... but perhaps we'll rethink that.)

so that leaves the dining room (at the back of the apartment, largely without windows to the outside, but lacking in comfortable spots for w to sit while spanking me) or the living room (at the front of the apartment, near enough the front door that sound will carry).

or maybe we could get a louder stereo and imitate the neighbors' tendency to blast their music. i'm not sure what kind of implements would sound like the bass on a stereo, but it's a definite thought.

in the meanwhile, what with being busy with the move, we've been on hiatus from the rules. i'm not sure when we'll get back to them, because we're moved now, but unpacking is overlapping with getting ready for the holidays, and then... well, maybe in the new year. i'm hoping i'll be able to hold out that long. i know there are parts who need the rules, but at the same time, it's been hard enough to manage with all the things that need to get done, so having the little break is pretty nice.

so more writing at some point later, when we're more settled into the new place, but i thought i'd let people have something to comment on just in case anyone is checking for updates to the blog.

Domestic Discipline Name Generator

To celebrate the one year anniversary of This Thing We Do forum, I put together a Domestic Discipline Name Generator. So now you can get a lovely name for all kinds of uses. Um, like if you're wanting to change your name, there's nothing better than "Trounce McChastisement" to generate respect for your new identity.

As for me, my brand new spanking name is Snarky Angel Halo.
Take The Domestic Discipline Name Generator today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

sunday

i'm supposed to write about the sunday maintenance spanking, but i really don't feel like it, so that's all i have to say on the subject. maybe i'll write more about it later.

Responding to Wakeman

Natty got several posts up about this before I managed to, but I'm not bitter or anything. ;) (her posts are here, here (same post as at the pb, but definitely worth scrolling down to the comments, and here.)

And since Natty got her posts up before me, I feel *totally* justified in focusing on the things that really bugged me about the article. There were some good sides to the piece, and for a moderately mainstream examination of DD, she did portray a couple of different viewpoints.

HOWEVER. Whether because she wound up writing for Bitch Magazine, or because of her own biases, the structure of the article, the framing of quotations from her sources, and her choice of sources she quoted at all really reinforces one end of the spectrum of domestic discipline.

By beginning and ending the article with an extended discussion of sources like "Loving Domestic Discipline" and the people who believe in the whole "surrendered wife" thing, readers unfamiliar with the range of approaches to DD are likely to come away with the idea that those attitudes define DD. Throughout the article, Wakeman failed to draw a distinction between the different ends of the spectrum. For example:

The crux of domestic discipline is that women's behavior is inherently rife with transgressions, and the discipline provided by their intimate partner will be a leveling force... In addition to disciplinary spankings, MrLovingDD also advocates "maintenance spankings," which, he explains, "help to build on the existing levels of the woman's obedience, respect, and honesty.

Mija... describes DD simply. "To be really trite, take the Volkswagen ad. 'On the road of life, there are passengers and there are drivers.'" In their figurative VW, Pablo... disciplines Mija....

"I decide that there's some sort of goal I want to achieve and he enforces it," explains Natty... who writes about her DD relationship on a blog called The Punishment Book....

(Yeah. Cause Natty is the *only* woman writing there. Hmpf. ;P )

By framing the quotations from Mija and Natty this way, Wakeman implies that they believe gender is the central dynamic in domestic discipline. I think, had I not already known Mija and Natty, I would believe that they also believe the point of domestic discipline is to rein in women, whose behavior is "inherently rife with transgressions." Now, I don't presume to read their minds, but I'm pretty sure that neither Mija nor Natty really agrees with MrLovingDD.

The repeated focus on the male/female dynamic set a tone for the article that rubbed me the wrong way. It reinforced the (imo) misogynist beliefs of the LovingDD types, and undermined the feminist possibilities of other ways of doing "this thing we do." It would be as though she were writing an article about Christianity, and framed it to imply that all Christians are of the Jerry Falwell type, even when she was quoting people with more liberal views.

In order to do that, Wakeman had to exclude a portion of the DD community. In her mind, it is a small section, perhaps not relevant to the larger discussion. Buried between parentheses in the middle of the article, she noted

Theoretically, a man can be the submissive in a heterosexual domestic discipline relationship, and a DD relationship can be same-sex, but based on both Internet presence and the couples that I interviewed, it's far more common to find heterosexual, female-submissive practicioners.

Let me speak up as one of the people interviewed for this article. I am in a same-sex relationship, and we practice domestic discipline. I have a blog, and I am one of the writers at the Punishment Book. And I have some opinions as to why it's far more common to find heterosexual, female-submissive practicioners of DD.

Groups like "Loving DD" specifically exclude couples who don't match their vision of why domestic discipline is necessary in relationships. They deny that anyone who practices outside of the male-dominant, female-submissive paradigm is truly engaging in domestic discipline, because they adhere to the misogynistic belief that women should be sumissive to their male partners. All women. All partnerships.

Last fall, when W and I were struggling to figure out how to navigate this thing we do, we tried joining a couple of other bulletin boards. We tried a few, and weren't having much luck. I finally snapped when the moderators of the least annoying board I found moved my introductory post to the BDSM forum, insisting that because W and I are both women, what we do is kink, and not discipline. So I started This Thing We Do, and discovered a lot of other people who have felt excluded from other DD forums for a lot of reasons.

Just because people are excluded doesn't mean they don't exist. Fifty years ago, there weren't many black people in Ivy League insitutions. Was this because black people weren't intelligent enough, or because they were specifically kept out of those institutions? Yet, there were those who made an argument that intelligence was inherently tied to whiteness. Right now today, same-sex couples are denied the right to marry, with the argument that marriage is about heterosexual partnership. Does this mean that same-sex couples don't exist, or that they don't make long-term partnerships, or that they don't do any of the things straight couples do? (Well, according to my mother, the big difference between my lesbian relationship and my sisters' straight ones is that W and I spend a lot of time working on communicating well. But I wouldn't argue that it's our homosexuality that makes that happen!)

So okay. Some of this is irritation at all of the ways my relationship is dismissed, and most of that is not Wakeman's fault.

But at the same time, I am annoyed by this exclusion as a feminist. People tend to fall back on gender as an explanation for behavior at points where gender is not, in fact, the cause. Whether it is domestic discipline or the discussion of who is responsible for doing the grocery shopping, gender cannot be the answer.

Very often, I will hear straight people talking about their relationships, ascribing the challenges to the differences between men and women. Some of our (perhaps less enlightened) straight friends say they wish they weren't straight, because they think their relationship problems would go away if there weren't those gendered differences.

I am here to say that relationships--straight, gay, polyamorous--are WORK. They take work. They take HARD work. And they take a lot of it. And domestic discipline takes work. It isn't going to save you the trouble of learning how to communicate with your partner. It doesn't excuse you from being able to express your needs and desires. All DD is is a tool couples can use.

Taking gender out of the equation forces me and W to look at ourselves. It forces me to take personal responsibility for this need. I do not need it because I am a woman. The reason W does *not* need it isn't because of her gender, either.

Accepting myself for who I am is a radical act. It challenges the idea that there is only one way of doing things, only one way of being a good (take your pick: feminist, woman, Christian, pagan, black person, abuse survivor, healthy adult...). And it does challenge me to think about why it is that I have these needs. If the answer is not "because I am a woman," then I'm left with a lot of work to do on understanding myself and who I am.

I suspect some of the reason that W and I were excluded from other forums is that some people don't want to have to do the work of understanding themselves and their relationships. It is easier sometimes to exclude dissenting viewpoints, in order to not have to examine your own experiences too closely.

And Wakeman's article gave those people an out. It left a broad path by which readers of the article can dismiss DD as misogynistic, and reinforced the tendency of feminism to exclude what isn't comfortable. It also allowed those who believe that DD works because "women's behavior is inherently rife with transgressions" not to challenge that belief for themselves.

I'm not completely certain why this thing we do works, but I know it's not because my behavior is any worse than W's. I don't know why I need external discipline, but it's not because I am submissive to W.

To me, the best of feminism comes when it challenges our assumptions about how people interact with each other in the world. Wakeman's article, for all of its positive sides, doesn't do that for me.

coffee and a spanking

w and i are doing family stuff today. so i hoped maybe we would be skipping the whole "maintenance" thing this week. no such luck. last night, i got this text message:

what time do we have to get up for coffee and a spanking?

so here it is, not even nine thirty in the morning, and i've had a spanking already. it wasn't a very hard spanking, but she said i wasn't allowed to squirm, which really seemed to make it hurt more. and it's hard to control that involuntary response.

as the spanking was ending, it was like something loosened inside of me. like some knot of something untangled. not sure how to describe it. what it meant was, as soon as the spanking was over, i grabbed hold of w to hug her. i needed that hug as much as i needed the spankings.

what was going through my head? well i guess it was that for a little bit, i felt safer than i have in a long time. it's ironic that this would come from a spanking, because, you know, there's all that stuff where they talk about how it's re-enacting abuse or something, or else it's sexual.

that's not at all what went on with me.

maybe it's that some parts in the system have really been thinking about how spankings happened when i was growing up (well, beatings that were *called* spankings). and how even when it's really bad now, the worst spankings i've gotten from w, are nothing compared to the kinds of things that were doled out to little kids in my family. there's one particular memory... not gonna get into it right now, but i'll probably post it before too long, either here or at my other blog. i know there are parts who want to write about that one, but it's hard.

anyhow.

some of the release was just... it felt like a little barrier being taken away from my ability to trust w. like, i was able to trust her just one bit more, and that came with this feeling of release, like i had to hold onto her really hard, because all of a sudden, that was more possible for me.

because, yeah, for me, having this disciplinary relationship is a key part of my ability to trust w. the fact that she keeps on being consistent. that she will enforce the rules even when i don't want her to. that we have built up our ability to communicate, and our trust in each other.

it's not like discipline or the rules solve any of our problems.

and actually, thinking about the initial text message... it's not like i'm not still in charge of a lot of elements in our relationship. i am the one who suggests lots of the rules. and we work together to figure out when the rules are working, and when they need to be changed.

and also, there's the fact that we take my mental health into account. when the reason i haven't followed the rules is because i just couldn't handle it, then we decide together, on a case-by-case basis. because the fact is, it probably *would* be a replication of abuse to ask me to ignore what's going on inside of me in favor of following rules (specifically in this case the daily tasks; safety-related rules still have to be followed).

i think it's the communication we have to do for the discipline that helps this to re-write the patterns i learned as a child. no matter how i behave, it's clear that w still loves me, and respects me, and cares for me. and she's not going to go over the top just because she is frustrated. she's shown over and over again that she isn't going to cross those lines. and i really appreciate that.

not sure what else to say, so i guess i'll leave it at that.

Sunday maintenance

well, this isn't exactly just about the maintenance end of things, since i'm pretty sure the spanking i got was also kind of a follow-up spanking to the one that i/we got on friday night.

but it was the sunday afternoon spanking. so w and i were talking beforehand, and i (jamie) admitted that a lot of why i didn't do my tasks last week was because sometimes i just need to push at the limits, and also that i kind of suspected the punishment wouldn't be very bad (and the spanking she gave grace on friday night just wasn't that bad).

and a lot of other stuff i can't remember or don't want to share in a public forum, but the part that matters for here is that the spankings are often just not particularly bad, and much as i HATE to get a bad spanking, once it's happened, then i am more in control of my behavior, and it's a LOT easier to be good and follow the rules without fighting, for a couple of weeks afterwards.

so i admitted that to w. and she followed through with a really, REALLY hard spanking. it was only 10 minutes, which is shorter than lots of the spankings she's given me recently, but BOY was it harder. most of the time, i can sit down on my desk chair pretty much straight after a spanking, and barely notice it. now, it's been most of an hour since the spanking, and i'm sitting down gingerly on my well-padded desk chair, and wincing at the thought of having to sit on anything harder.

and i guess the effect of a really hard spanking is this: i do NOT want to earn another spanking like that. i really, REALLY do not. and for as long as i can remember what this felt like, which is easier with a hard spanking, it will be pretty easy for me to follow through. well, presuming i can continue to trust that w really will follow through on another spanking, even if it hurts.

we're trying something new with tasks, and having them assigned by particular days, and particular parts. hopefully, that will work.

so, here's the list:

sunday: sort laundry with w's help (whoever is out, i guess)

monday: jamie: do laundry

tuesday: little kids: sweep living room and dining room; therapy; maybe go to a movie after therapy

wednesday: jamie and grace: thoroughly clean the kitchen (see notes); couples' counseling

thursday: ellis: see what's going on with the vacuum, fix it if possible; therapy

friday: jamie: vacuum all floors in the apartment.

My rules

Yup, another really long post. How exciting!

Anyhow, I was going to post this over at This Thing We Do, but then it turned out to be four pages long, so I'm posting an abbreviated version there, and the whole thing here.

General rules:

#1 most important: It's okay to be mad. It's NOT okay to be mean. This means it's good to let out anger in safe ways, like writing, playing the "explosion game," talking, drawing, hitting something safe, writing, etc. It is BAD to let out anger in ways that hurt other people, OR yourself. Even "accidental" hurting like breaking your foot by kicking a concrete garbage can. (Um, can I just clarify, I only did that *once*.)

Also in this category is not saying "whatever" to W. (As in rolling my eyes and saying "whatever." The consequence for that is getting my mouth washed out with soap. I suppose were I the type to swear at her, that would also be cause for getting my mouth washed out with soap, but it has yet to happen.) And I should do my best not be a punk or deliberately jerky or difficult. This includes “button-pushing.” This is hard to quantify, but we both kind of know what’s going on when it happens.

We have to eat three nutritious meals every day. A bagel is nutritious. A donut is not. Use your head. If you can't eat, a smoothie is an acceptable substitute. Soda is not. If I have "tummy yuck" that rule can be suspended.

Bedtime is 11:15 on school nights, 12:00 otherwise. An adult, or W, can decide on a change. "Not wanting to fight" is NOT an acceptable reason to suspend bedtime. Consequence for not following this: go to bed as much earlier the next night as I delayed the previous night. Even if the part who is out the next night isn't the one who delayed the previous night, this rule remains in effect. If you resist a second time, it's 2 minutes earlier per minute than the first earlier bedtime.

As a system, we're responsible for doing at least one "job" a day. If it's mostly the little kids out, these are things like feeding the cats or taking out the trash. If it's teens, it's washing dishes, sweeping, etc. Adults: grocery shopping, laundry, errands, major housecleaning, etc. (There have been several versions of this. Currently, it's that W will give us a set of jobs to get done during the week, and we work on them as we're able. Or that's the theory, anyways.)

NO LYING or OMISSION OF TRUTH.

I cannot read W’s mind. She cannot read my mind. I need to accept that neither of us is a mind-reader, and to be willing to say what I’m feeling, and believe her when she says what’s going on for her.


Meta-rules:

The book (where we keep notes about what works, process-related stuff, copies of the rules, and the pages of lines) gets returned to W’s bedside table. Do not destroy or hide the book. If you do destroy the book or “lose” it, then you are responsible for replicating everything that was in it, including all of the pages of lines.

Non-adult parts are NOT allowed to rescind the rules. It isn’t fair to take advantage of W’s desire to do the right thing by insisting that the rules are not helpful. It’s not acceptable to trick W into thinking that you are someone who is allowed to negotiate when you actually aren’t.


System-related rules:

No part is allowed to “go away.” You can stay inside the head, but NOT try to get rid of yourself. We are a system, and each part is important. We have to learn how to work together, even if it’s hard.

We all have to work on being clear about which part is active, internally if nowhere else. In safe situations, we need to let trusted people know who we are.

NO ONE is allowed to run away or hurt the body. Not at all. Or to plan or threaten to do this.

No one under 14 is allowed to drive the car. No exceptions. If someone under 14 needs to switch in, we GET OFF THE ROAD FIRST. This rule is not negotiable.

No one under 20 is allowed to leave the house alone after 9 PM (except for specific, time-limited errands, like going to the store; this is only with permission). You are not allowed to trick W into thinking you’re an adult. If someone DOES sneak out, another part is entirely correct to tell W. This is serious: it’s about safety.



There’s a LOT of process-related stuff throughout the notebook, about consequences that do and don’t work, and stuff like that. One thing I want to say is, it’s kind of nice to look back and see all of the progress that *has* been made, even when it seems like there hasn’t been much. Anyhow.

I’ll try to go through and summarize what’s there.

Consequences that work:

Spankings are effective with most of the parts who do things that would earn them a spanking. They are more effective depending on the position (ie, bent over the bed vs. lying across the bed in front of W). Lighter spankings are less effective (except with the younger parts, who really don’t need a very hard spanking for it to be effective). There’s a balance between long/hard, and it’s hard to put my finger on exactly what works best. A spanking that is too short, or too light, isn’t effective. One thing that would help spankings to be more effective is for W to not worry about whether it will hurt me/us. She really is not going to be able to cause serious damage.

Writing lines can be effective. It helps when it’s used to reinforce a rule that has been broken a couple of times. They work better after a spanking, rather than before, or in place of a spanking, although writing a LOT of lines can sometimes be a punishment in itself. Writing just a few lines, before a spanking, lends itself to resistance and that being ineffective.

Corner time works well mostly as a way of focusing my mind before a spanking. It helps when there’s a short lecture beforehand, making clear WHY I am standing in the corner, and keeping me focused.

Losing computer games is most effective as a punishment for Jamie. Less so for the others.

Losing the computer might be effective, but it also seems to induce some serious upset/panic, so I’m not sure whether that’s because it’s a serious consequence, or because it really is too much.

Mouth washed out with soap: as a consequence for saying things that are not okay, this is really effective.

Being “grounded” is probably an effective punishment, except that lately, I haven’t been getting out of the house for much other than therapy. But it’s still a thought in general.

Early bedtime: very effective as a response to not going to bed on time. I’m gonna rat the rest of us out, and point out that in the last bedtime negotiation, you said that bedtime would be 11:15 UNLESS RULES WERE BROKEN that day, in which case it would be 9:45.

Having extra chores, either when I didn’t do the ones I was supposed to, or as a consequence for being a jerk. This is a complicated one, because it needs to be balanced between being strict and being reasonable. But maybe if I remember that I can say “red light” or something similar if I get overwhelmed (rather than pushing limits), this would work.


Process-related stuff:

One thing that comes up a lot is that it’s better to be too strict than not strict enough. Giving me extra chances results in harder pushing of the limits. We do have a safe word (red light/yellow light), and we WILL use it if we need you to stop or slow down. Anything else is mostly either a response to the punishment, or being manipulative (I think you know who I’m talking about there!).

TELLING me what to do is better than asking, particularly in the context of discipline.

Doing the consequence sooner rather than later, or making it clear that there will be a consequence (and following through on that!) is better.

W is getting MUCH better about following through on consequences, and not negotiating over the rules. That helps a LOT.

Maybe it would help W to think of her role in discipline as though it were improv. If she doesn’t commit, it won’t work. I trust her to be safe, and not to hurt me. And we’d all much rather that she made a mistake than that she did nothing.

We all respond to direct questions, and our lies are much more likely to be by omission than outright lies. So asking a direct question will help to hold us accountable.



New plan for Sunday maintenance:

Do it on Sunday afternoon.

Check in about the week that just went by, and talk about what went well, and what didn’t go well.

Corner time, with something to focus on (ie, about how the past week went).

Spanking.

Check in about the week to come (discuss anything that’s happening, and also give a list of tasks for the week).

JA journals for 15 minutes, and comes back to spend time with W.