because i needed it

i was feeling really out of sorts yesterday and today. i was doing my best to be good, but it was the kind of out of sorts where what i really want to do is test the limits. the problem is, there aren't limits i can test without doing something that is hurtful to me or w. basically, my rules are about safety or about being respectful to w and i was pretty good about meals partly because she reminded me yesterday and then today was a snow day for w and i didn't want to spoil it by picking a fight so i ate breakfast and lunch.

i guess what makes it hard for me sometimes is that there are other parts and i sometimes remember not to spoil things for them and the little kids really wanted to get to play in the snow and have fun with w and i didn't want to mess that up for them because this is the first time all year that it's snowed very much and it's not likely it'll snow this much again this year. so i wasn't going to ruin that for them they miss out on enough stuff as it is.

and since the only other rules i could break would have been things like not pushing w's buttons, and i didn't want to do something to make her stressed out, i didn't do that either. so i was feeling really out of sorts but i didn't have a good outlet.

i did let w know that i was feeling like that, and we tried some things like wii boxing which might have helped except i was too sore from a bunch of house stuff we did this weekend, so i couldn't play that very long plus that game isn't really good for me to feel like there are limits it's just good for me to get out aggression. so i was still feeling wound up and still trying not to break rules.

but w decided that i needed a spanking just because. she gave me 10 minutes to get ready and then i was supposed to come in for it and i did but i didn't really know how to get ready i guess because what it takes for me to be ready for a spanking so it will help is for her to be firm and a lot of times she is not very firm, so i get less and less ready, not on purpose, it's just what happens when she is not very firm i guess.

she gave me the spanking. she did a first part, but she could tell i needed more. she kind of talked too much right then i guess because it's not natural for her to be firm and just say she is the boss and if she decides i need a spanking i'm going to get it. i didn't know how to tell her that's all she needed to say, i think she wants to say something nicer i guess. but really, i just need to know someone is the boss and they will set limits when i need them.

i don't know if that is being submissive. i think it's just sometimes i need to push up against limits and know they are there it is like i need a container around me and i push against it but it is there and i guess when the rules and stuff are helpful then w can make that container strong enough that i feel safe.

when she gave me the second part of the spanking, she ended by doing that and it helped a lot i am not feeling so out of sorts. so even though i didn't want a spanking and i tried super hard to not do something to get one and to figure out how to make myself feel better without one i am pretty glad i got it because it did help.