someone over at this thing we do forum referred to their establishing authority spankings as "TEA parties" (To Establish Authority) and w liked this, so she took the idea for herself.
anyhow, i haven't posted in quite a while, and i thought i would just copy what i wrote as the follow-up to our weekly "TEA party" and post it here as well.
i guess it has been almost two weeks since the last ea. but i have done pretty well these past two weeks and not broken any rules or anything. i have eaten my meals even when i was super stressed out and when it was hard to figure out food, and i didn't get attitude even when i was feeling overwhelmed. i have really pretty much followed my rules.
so i guess i was feeling a little resentful about having ea, since i seem to be doing pretty well without it. but i didn't say much about that to w, since i know she would add a punishment on for saying that i thought we could just keep on skipping it. because it is her decision and she isn't going to let me weasel any more. and i guess it is right for her to do that, and it's what i need, it's just that i don't FEEL like it's what i need right now because i have been really GOOD.
it wasn't that big of a spanking but it was bigger than what they used to be if i hadn't broken any rules. it was 7 minutes in the corner, followed with 50 with the strap. she let me out of getting the cane because i've been doing so well. it felt like a really hard spanking, and i said something about that during it, but then the last five, she showed me how hard it would have been if i had actually broken any rules, and those last five hurt a LOT more than the ones she had given me before. so i guess i know it wasn't that bad. also, i am able to sit down now just a couple of minutes later, and my bottom is a little sore, but usually after a punishment it hurts to sit down at all.
i guess the thing that w has really been showing me lately is that she is absolutely going to follow through, and she is making the decisions and she is sure of herself. she even did a pretty good job of helping me to get into the right head space, since we spent the morning doing some reorganizing of the living room and stuff where i wasn't in the right frame of mind for EA to be effective. so it was a big help for her to do that.
i do feel a little bit like if i go for a while without breaking any rules, i should get a coupon to get out of an EA spanking, but maybe like that could come once a month... like, if i can go for a month without breaking rules, then i can get out of EA once. that way, i would feel like i got a reward for following the rules for a long time. and if i could go for TWO months without breaking rules, then i could get a coupon to get out of EA once AND a coupon to get out of a punishment once. like a get out of jail free card or something. and more rewards if i ever manage to go for three or four months without breaking a rule.
i am pretty proud of myself for not having broken any rules, but i guess it feels a little unfair to still get EA if i have done so well. i suppose w will say something like not having one last week, or right after we got home, is the same as getting a week free. i suppose that is true, but it doesn't feel that way if you are the person who is getting the spanking.
Showing posts with label sundays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sundays. Show all posts
13 September, 2009
14 June, 2009
Taking the new system for a test drive
(I also posted this at the Punishment Book, but I figured it was worth posting some real life stuff here, too. Don't blame me. I'm just copying Natty, my role model of the year. :P )
W and I revised our system (rules, consequences, stuff like that) this week. This was a planned revamp, because we discovered things need to get tweaked on a regular basis, and we had hoped it would work better to plan to do this, rather than just waiting until things jam up and then fixing it when it's in a mess.
The title of the post is my face-saving way of saying that in spite of knowing that 1, W has gotten fairly consistent with enforcing the rules, and 2, that the new consequences could easily be far more severe than W would get on her own, I still felt the need to break rules this afternoon.
We added some new elements to the system this time around. Among them, I am now responsible for getting things set up if I'm going to have a spanking. We also finally got around to writing the weekly checklists (these are in addition to daily checklists, which we've been doing for a while). And, after some discussion sparked from a thread on This Thing We Do, I am now supposed to wear a skirt, with nothing under it, when it's time for a punishment (this is both to help me get into the appropriate head space, and to make it that much easier for W to give me the spanking).
Oh, right, and I remembered having downloaded a spanking generator, and W had me alter the offenses and consequences to reflect our system. Yes, I am the one who plugged in the consequences, and none of them seem to have been "J must spend the next week doing nothing but playing Sims 3 and eating bon bons." Why is that? :-P
So you'd think that I would have been positively angelic, knowing W is going to be more on top of the rules when she has just reviewed them, and knowing the range of consequences available, and how much less they rely on the punishment strap (painful while it's happening, but it wears off quickly). No, not so much.
It started with getting ready for the Sunday session of "Establishing Authority." (W's authority, that is!) I had put off filling out the Sunday checklist, because the easiest way for W to read it would have been for it to be filled out but not yet submitted (it turns into a spreadsheet when I click submit, so it's handy for looking at overall trends in my responses, but not so useful to look over any single response). And I'd forgotten the kinds of questions on it (including things that require me to have filled out my daily checklists, and then to look those up to get the answers for the weekly checklist, which W checks).
So I had gathered all of the things I thought I was supposed to bring into the living room, tidied it a little, shooed out the cats, put on my skirt, set up the music, and went to my portable computer to fill out the checklist and couldn't get online. Time was ticking down, and before I could get the computer to recognize the wireless network, time was up and W was in the living room. I think, had I been prepared to answer the questions easily, this could have managed, because this was the first time we were doing the new system, and my usual checklist takes me about a minute to fill out. Unfortunately, the new one takes longer than I'd thought, particularly if I don't have the answers to the questions!
Meanwhile, W realized I had *also* forgotten to bring The Book (the notebook where we have paper copies of the rules, the pages of lines I've written, and all of the other written process stuff about our system). This would also probably have been forgiven, had it not been for the debacle with the checklist. After I finished filling out the checklist, and brought in The Book, W sent me to the corner while she looked things over.
When my first round of corner time (8 minutes) was up, she called me out, and looked at me very sternly. "If this checklist had been a test, you would have flunked." So she used the punishment generator to determine the consequence for not being ready on time. I can't remember what the generator had decided on, but W changed it to 12 minutes of corner time, this time with my hands on my head, and 20 with the bath brush.
So back into the corner with me. Let me tell you, standing in the corner is boring, and mildly uncomfortable (I'm far-sighted, so the close focus really is uncomfortable), but it's nothing on standing there with my hands on my head. Ouch. I was nearly in tears of regret about four minutes into it.
Since the punishment generator is a new part of our set-up, W hadn't noticed the line for "establishing authority" so instead, she generated punishments for the rules I'd broken earlier in the week, and reduced and combined those to come up with the Sunday spanking. I've learned from experience that it's best not to stick my nose in and tell her a different way of punishing me at that stage of the game, because she's more likely to add punishments. And as it turned out, I got less with her system, so all was well.
But this STILL added up to 52 strokes with the strap (part of the punishment for skipping a meal) and 15 lines (part of the punishment for not texting her to tell her about my meals). I was glad that she reduced the punishment, because it does seem really unfair to have gotten punished for both of those on Wednesday, and then again on Sunday. But she reduced the punishment from the original, and as it turned out, it was less of a punishment than I would have gotten had she used the "establishing authority" choice on the generator.
Still. It was 52 strokes with the strap, hard ones, followed by 20 even harder ones with the bath brush (why, oh WHY, did that thing EVER get used as a spanking tool?!?!) and then 15 lines. You would think this would have made me shape up, but not so much. I think a lot of it is knowing myself, and knowing that I'm probably heading into a phase of more testing, but trying to keep things in check because (shhh) I love W and want to make her life easier. Making her life easier isn't consistent with breaking rules because I need limits, particularly not in the middle of two incredibly busy weeks at work.
So in my post-spanking journaling, I mentioned that I was feeling the way that indicates I probably need more of a spanking; W decided it was best to see how things went. And I did agree that a just-because spanking was not really going to meet my needs in the way that a punishment spanking would. So I was getting a little stressed over that--knowing that I not only needed another spanking, soon, but that I needed the kind of spanking that results from me breaking a rule. The kind where it's clear that W has things under control, and if I slip up, someone is there taking care of things.
Being the imperfect person I am, this came out in steadily increasing "attitude." (Attitude is like porn: perhaps you can't define it, but you know it when you see it.) So around 5, when it was time to start thinking about dinner and the rest of our evening, W decided it was time to deal with the attitude. Back in the corner I went, hands on head, to be followed with 36 strokes with the bath brush (the *generator* told her to use the strap, but she was feeling particularly strict). She started with 12 minutes in the corner, but the attitude had ramped enough that I wouldn't stay still. I was fully prepared to point out that twisting my dreadlocks could be done with my hands on my head, following the letter of the punishment. W added 3 additional minutes of corner time, I continued fidgeting.
W went back to the punishment generator, and decided that I would get an additional 18 minutes in the corner, hands on head (this time, I stood still. I am capable of learning!). The generator told her to do 12 strokes with the cane, but W hasn't practiced with the cane, so she TRIPLED that to 36 more strokes with the bath brush, meaning I was about to get SEVENTY-TWO strokes with the evil bath brush.
For the spanking, I had to repeat "I must respect W's authority" after each line. (After 42 strokes, she changed this to "I will improve my attitude" for the final 30 strokes.)
And then I had lines: I must improve my attitude (18 times) and "I must respect W's authority" (36 times).
Let me tell you, sitting on a firmly spanked bottom, having repeated those lines to the tune of a heavy wooden bath brush smacking down on my bottom, I truly felt I had learned my lesson by the time I was writing them down. I wrote as neatly as I could (given that the part who was present doesn't have the neatest handwriting in the world), and I didn't fuss or fidget or deliberately insert wrong words, as I've been known to do.
Writing this, six hours later, my bottom is still sore even though I'm sitting on my very cushioned desk chair. Heck, it's still sore when I am walking around the apartment, and I'm glad I won't need to sit on a hard seat until tomorrow!
W and I revised our system (rules, consequences, stuff like that) this week. This was a planned revamp, because we discovered things need to get tweaked on a regular basis, and we had hoped it would work better to plan to do this, rather than just waiting until things jam up and then fixing it when it's in a mess.
The title of the post is my face-saving way of saying that in spite of knowing that 1, W has gotten fairly consistent with enforcing the rules, and 2, that the new consequences could easily be far more severe than W would get on her own, I still felt the need to break rules this afternoon.
We added some new elements to the system this time around. Among them, I am now responsible for getting things set up if I'm going to have a spanking. We also finally got around to writing the weekly checklists (these are in addition to daily checklists, which we've been doing for a while). And, after some discussion sparked from a thread on This Thing We Do, I am now supposed to wear a skirt, with nothing under it, when it's time for a punishment (this is both to help me get into the appropriate head space, and to make it that much easier for W to give me the spanking).
Oh, right, and I remembered having downloaded a spanking generator, and W had me alter the offenses and consequences to reflect our system. Yes, I am the one who plugged in the consequences, and none of them seem to have been "J must spend the next week doing nothing but playing Sims 3 and eating bon bons." Why is that? :-P
So you'd think that I would have been positively angelic, knowing W is going to be more on top of the rules when she has just reviewed them, and knowing the range of consequences available, and how much less they rely on the punishment strap (painful while it's happening, but it wears off quickly). No, not so much.
It started with getting ready for the Sunday session of "Establishing Authority." (W's authority, that is!) I had put off filling out the Sunday checklist, because the easiest way for W to read it would have been for it to be filled out but not yet submitted (it turns into a spreadsheet when I click submit, so it's handy for looking at overall trends in my responses, but not so useful to look over any single response). And I'd forgotten the kinds of questions on it (including things that require me to have filled out my daily checklists, and then to look those up to get the answers for the weekly checklist, which W checks).
So I had gathered all of the things I thought I was supposed to bring into the living room, tidied it a little, shooed out the cats, put on my skirt, set up the music, and went to my portable computer to fill out the checklist and couldn't get online. Time was ticking down, and before I could get the computer to recognize the wireless network, time was up and W was in the living room. I think, had I been prepared to answer the questions easily, this could have managed, because this was the first time we were doing the new system, and my usual checklist takes me about a minute to fill out. Unfortunately, the new one takes longer than I'd thought, particularly if I don't have the answers to the questions!
Meanwhile, W realized I had *also* forgotten to bring The Book (the notebook where we have paper copies of the rules, the pages of lines I've written, and all of the other written process stuff about our system). This would also probably have been forgiven, had it not been for the debacle with the checklist. After I finished filling out the checklist, and brought in The Book, W sent me to the corner while she looked things over.
When my first round of corner time (8 minutes) was up, she called me out, and looked at me very sternly. "If this checklist had been a test, you would have flunked." So she used the punishment generator to determine the consequence for not being ready on time. I can't remember what the generator had decided on, but W changed it to 12 minutes of corner time, this time with my hands on my head, and 20 with the bath brush.
So back into the corner with me. Let me tell you, standing in the corner is boring, and mildly uncomfortable (I'm far-sighted, so the close focus really is uncomfortable), but it's nothing on standing there with my hands on my head. Ouch. I was nearly in tears of regret about four minutes into it.
Since the punishment generator is a new part of our set-up, W hadn't noticed the line for "establishing authority" so instead, she generated punishments for the rules I'd broken earlier in the week, and reduced and combined those to come up with the Sunday spanking. I've learned from experience that it's best not to stick my nose in and tell her a different way of punishing me at that stage of the game, because she's more likely to add punishments. And as it turned out, I got less with her system, so all was well.
But this STILL added up to 52 strokes with the strap (part of the punishment for skipping a meal) and 15 lines (part of the punishment for not texting her to tell her about my meals). I was glad that she reduced the punishment, because it does seem really unfair to have gotten punished for both of those on Wednesday, and then again on Sunday. But she reduced the punishment from the original, and as it turned out, it was less of a punishment than I would have gotten had she used the "establishing authority" choice on the generator.
Still. It was 52 strokes with the strap, hard ones, followed by 20 even harder ones with the bath brush (why, oh WHY, did that thing EVER get used as a spanking tool?!?!) and then 15 lines. You would think this would have made me shape up, but not so much. I think a lot of it is knowing myself, and knowing that I'm probably heading into a phase of more testing, but trying to keep things in check because (shhh) I love W and want to make her life easier. Making her life easier isn't consistent with breaking rules because I need limits, particularly not in the middle of two incredibly busy weeks at work.
So in my post-spanking journaling, I mentioned that I was feeling the way that indicates I probably need more of a spanking; W decided it was best to see how things went. And I did agree that a just-because spanking was not really going to meet my needs in the way that a punishment spanking would. So I was getting a little stressed over that--knowing that I not only needed another spanking, soon, but that I needed the kind of spanking that results from me breaking a rule. The kind where it's clear that W has things under control, and if I slip up, someone is there taking care of things.
Being the imperfect person I am, this came out in steadily increasing "attitude." (Attitude is like porn: perhaps you can't define it, but you know it when you see it.) So around 5, when it was time to start thinking about dinner and the rest of our evening, W decided it was time to deal with the attitude. Back in the corner I went, hands on head, to be followed with 36 strokes with the bath brush (the *generator* told her to use the strap, but she was feeling particularly strict). She started with 12 minutes in the corner, but the attitude had ramped enough that I wouldn't stay still. I was fully prepared to point out that twisting my dreadlocks could be done with my hands on my head, following the letter of the punishment. W added 3 additional minutes of corner time, I continued fidgeting.
W went back to the punishment generator, and decided that I would get an additional 18 minutes in the corner, hands on head (this time, I stood still. I am capable of learning!). The generator told her to do 12 strokes with the cane, but W hasn't practiced with the cane, so she TRIPLED that to 36 more strokes with the bath brush, meaning I was about to get SEVENTY-TWO strokes with the evil bath brush.
For the spanking, I had to repeat "I must respect W's authority" after each line. (After 42 strokes, she changed this to "I will improve my attitude" for the final 30 strokes.)
And then I had lines: I must improve my attitude (18 times) and "I must respect W's authority" (36 times).
Let me tell you, sitting on a firmly spanked bottom, having repeated those lines to the tune of a heavy wooden bath brush smacking down on my bottom, I truly felt I had learned my lesson by the time I was writing them down. I wrote as neatly as I could (given that the part who was present doesn't have the neatest handwriting in the world), and I didn't fuss or fidget or deliberately insert wrong words, as I've been known to do.
Writing this, six hours later, my bottom is still sore even though I'm sitting on my very cushioned desk chair. Heck, it's still sore when I am walking around the apartment, and I'm glad I won't need to sit on a hard seat until tomorrow!
15 March, 2009
sunday spanking
w was not happy with the post i wrote last week for my post-spanking journal, so she gave me a set of questions i have to answer after each spanking from now on.
i got my sunday spanking today. partly, it was just because it was sunday. but last week was not a good week at all. i broke a lot of rules, and i got a lot of punishments, mostly for not eating three meals a day, and for having attitude. i am also owed a punishment for going out after w was asleep one night, and for not being home when i was supposed to be another night (it wasn't technically against the rules, but i knew when it did it that it was wrong). w decided to wait until she's had more time to cool down because she does not want to punish me out of anger.
before this week's spanking i had a lot of attitude. i have been having a hard time lately, and pushing w's buttons a lot and also just not doing very well. it's complicated, because some of that is because i can't make myself trust that she isn't just going to go away and if i'm afraid of getting rejected then it seems like a better plan to push so that she will go away sooner, instead of having it come when i don't expect it. and some of the pushing and stuff from me i think is because if i'm having lots of flashbacks, i can stop having them if i am focused on being bad right now. back when i was growing up, i had to focus so hard on being good all the time, whether or not someone was paying attention, and i had to be in charge of making myself be responsible about things that my family didn't care about (like schoolwork) so i had to just be good and responsible all the time. so i can kind of remind myself that things are different now by being bad. it's not the best way, but it's a way that i can believe more than all the stupid "i am in a safe place" stuff. because you can tell yourself over and over that you're in a safe place but maybe you won't really believe it until you know for sure.
and even though i might not trust w to stick around or to be there if i'm not perfect, or to keep loving me, or to really love me in the first place... but i DO trust her not to be abusive or to hurt me on purpose or to do something that isn't safe. so i can work out my feelings by being a jerk which i know is wrong but i dont know what to do instead.
the other thing is that maybe she will give up on me and i might as well get that over with and i wont really believe shes sticking around unless i actually let myself be bad because only an idiot who has had the experiences ive had would just take someone at their word without testing. because LOTS of people tell me things but they usually dont mean it. so even though i know its wrong to test i still do it.
before the spanking i was resentful and resistant and full of bad attitude. i feel different now mostly i am willing to write and the fact i am writing should show that. i still have that feeling where i need to push because i dont trust that w will have the energy to keep following through with me and also she sometimes gets careless about how hard she hits so if a spanking is going to be just a little hard but not very then i dont mind getting it that much but if its going to be like the end of this weeks spanking, then i will do my best to avoid it, because the end of this weeks spanking hurt like crazy.
w has started giving a set number of strokes and that is useful. she also stopped a couple of times during the spanking to talk to me about things like the rules i'd broken last week and how i will have to do better. that was useful.
one thing that isn't very useful is that when i've got a lot of strokes, she goes light on more of them, so it's less effective. i think maybe she is worried she will hurt me in the wrong way but pretty much she can't do serious damage with anything we use. or maybe she doesn't notice how the strokes are falling. after she was done with the number she had planned i knew that it hadnt been all that bad even though it was a lot but a lot of them werent that hard. so i fessed up about that and she gave me 140 more and most of those were HARD and boy, if that were how she spanked all the time, i think i would be good more of the time.
i guess thats all for now.
i got my sunday spanking today. partly, it was just because it was sunday. but last week was not a good week at all. i broke a lot of rules, and i got a lot of punishments, mostly for not eating three meals a day, and for having attitude. i am also owed a punishment for going out after w was asleep one night, and for not being home when i was supposed to be another night (it wasn't technically against the rules, but i knew when it did it that it was wrong). w decided to wait until she's had more time to cool down because she does not want to punish me out of anger.
before this week's spanking i had a lot of attitude. i have been having a hard time lately, and pushing w's buttons a lot and also just not doing very well. it's complicated, because some of that is because i can't make myself trust that she isn't just going to go away and if i'm afraid of getting rejected then it seems like a better plan to push so that she will go away sooner, instead of having it come when i don't expect it. and some of the pushing and stuff from me i think is because if i'm having lots of flashbacks, i can stop having them if i am focused on being bad right now. back when i was growing up, i had to focus so hard on being good all the time, whether or not someone was paying attention, and i had to be in charge of making myself be responsible about things that my family didn't care about (like schoolwork) so i had to just be good and responsible all the time. so i can kind of remind myself that things are different now by being bad. it's not the best way, but it's a way that i can believe more than all the stupid "i am in a safe place" stuff. because you can tell yourself over and over that you're in a safe place but maybe you won't really believe it until you know for sure.
and even though i might not trust w to stick around or to be there if i'm not perfect, or to keep loving me, or to really love me in the first place... but i DO trust her not to be abusive or to hurt me on purpose or to do something that isn't safe. so i can work out my feelings by being a jerk which i know is wrong but i dont know what to do instead.
the other thing is that maybe she will give up on me and i might as well get that over with and i wont really believe shes sticking around unless i actually let myself be bad because only an idiot who has had the experiences ive had would just take someone at their word without testing. because LOTS of people tell me things but they usually dont mean it. so even though i know its wrong to test i still do it.
before the spanking i was resentful and resistant and full of bad attitude. i feel different now mostly i am willing to write and the fact i am writing should show that. i still have that feeling where i need to push because i dont trust that w will have the energy to keep following through with me and also she sometimes gets careless about how hard she hits so if a spanking is going to be just a little hard but not very then i dont mind getting it that much but if its going to be like the end of this weeks spanking, then i will do my best to avoid it, because the end of this weeks spanking hurt like crazy.
w has started giving a set number of strokes and that is useful. she also stopped a couple of times during the spanking to talk to me about things like the rules i'd broken last week and how i will have to do better. that was useful.
one thing that isn't very useful is that when i've got a lot of strokes, she goes light on more of them, so it's less effective. i think maybe she is worried she will hurt me in the wrong way but pretty much she can't do serious damage with anything we use. or maybe she doesn't notice how the strokes are falling. after she was done with the number she had planned i knew that it hadnt been all that bad even though it was a lot but a lot of them werent that hard. so i fessed up about that and she gave me 140 more and most of those were HARD and boy, if that were how she spanked all the time, i think i would be good more of the time.
i guess thats all for now.
19 January, 2009
trust
i'm supposed to write about trust. probably trust and a write-up of weekly maintenance, but trust is the main theme.
trust is a hard thing, especially with discipline in our relationship. this week is an example of that. w had said we'd be starting to do "sundays" again this week. "sunday" is a code word for a weekly check in and maintenance spanking. we hadn't done that for a while, mostly because everything was all mixed up while we were looking for an apartment and then moving, and then things just kind of stayed mixed up after we moved.
i don't know exactly how i feel about the maintenance spankings. part of me knows they're good when they work, but they don't always work, and it's hard to figure out why that is, and how to make them work, and sometimes it feels like we'd just be better not trying at all.
i guess that's kind of how i feel about trust. maybe things are better if i can trust people to follow through, but when that doesn't work out then it feels like it would be better not to try trusting people at all. mostly, that's how it goes. i don't count on most people in my life for things. i mean, i trust them as far as i don't think people are out to get me or anything, but i wouldn't count on them to be there for me, and i kind of have a back-up plan in mind, in case someone i've asked to do something doesn't follow through.
but that doesn't work as well with the maintenance spankings, or with discipline. if it's going to be anything other than me just pretending i have someone i can count on, or pretending that w can help, then i have to be able to trust that she's going to follow through. and that's hard, in part because she has a hard time with following through.
right. so this week. the first problem was that we were both sick, which means we spent most of the weekend sleeping. and since we have separate bedrooms, that meant we were in different rooms for most of the weekend. so the sunday maintenance didn't happen on sunday, because neither of us was really up for it. when we checked in about it yesterday (sunday), w also pointed out that it makes a lot of sense to do it on the day before our week starts, which meant today (monday) would work as well. so she made a plan: we'd get up, have breakfast, and then at noon we'd have the sunday check-in.
the thing is, if i'm not actively acting out, she often forgets to check in about the rules. and this works for a while. i can go a good long while without freaking out, and hold things together. so noon came, and no word from w about the check-in or maintenance. and over the course of the next hour, i guess i started to fall apart. i had been doing well, probably because i knew the spanking was coming. but the further we got from when it was supposed to happen, the less i was able to hold things together.
i can hear people saying, "well, you should have just reminded her." but the problem with that is, part of what i needed was to be able to trust that she would remember, and that she would make it a priority. a lot of the time lately, it's felt like discipline only happens if i ask for it. and frankly, if i ask for it, it's kind of a form of self-discipline. and it means i can't really let go, relax, not be self-disciplined. if it only comes when i ask for it, it means i still have to be on top of my behavior.
and yeah, i should be able to do that. honestly, i *can* do that a lot of the time, but when i can be on top of my own behavior, i don't need the bother of a spanking. when i'm able to be self-disciplined, i don't need the external discipline.
so around 1:30, i was freaking out about several things, and as i got more worked up, it reminded w of the spanking that should have happened. which is kind of like remembering on her own, except that, if i hadn't been freaking out, she wouldn't have.
we're working on that. i explained to w that setting reminders for herself isn't "cheating," in terms of whether or not she remembers things. she feels like she should just be able to remember, but she really can't. but she keeps trying, which means that she has a hard time getting my trust, because she isn't able to follow through on things, even when it hasn't been long since she said she'd do them.
so we had a long talk, since we both know that a spanking just doesn't work well if i'm angry. and then we went into my room for the spanking. it was still kind of... not settled, i guess, when we started. i think we hadn't had a good check-in, and so the spanking was just a spanking, not really connected to my behavior this week. and that doesn't work very well, it seems kind of beside the point.
she gave me a fairly light spanking. and i guess i did something that wasn't good for her ability to trust me. because i was still angry and resistant, i said "ok, that's enough spanking." to her, that said i was upset. which i was, but not about the spanking, so much as about the hassle of having to get it, when it didn't feel like it was working. and i guess it was something that i do sometimes, just to prove to myself that she's not really in charge. because there are things i can do or say during a spanking that will make it be not effective.
i guess it's a kind of testing, because i can't really lie well, or fake things like crying. but i can say things that are true in a way. and it's not like i wanted any more spanking. so w stopped the spanking, but then she could tell from my attitude afterward that it hadn't been enough, so she made me lean over for more spanking. at that point, there was still the problem that it wasn't addressing my behavior over the past week, it was just... a spanking. but that one was hard, and i was definitely ready for it to be over. well... not exactly. my bottom hurt like crazy, and i knew i would be sore, but i also knew there was still unfinished business, for the rules i'd broken and not gotten punishments for.
so we talked some more, and one suggestion w made was pretty smart. from here on out, sundays will have the maintenance spanking, *then* we'll talk about my behavior (she's noticed that i bring up more stuff during or right after a spanking). and then if there is unfinished business, i get the punishment spanking, after the maintenance.
this seemed like a good idea to me, but at the same time, i really, really didn't want another spanking. but at the same time, i wanted a clean slate. after some more talking, w seemed to have forgotten this idea. she was trying to come up with ideas for a punishment for things that come up after the maintenance spanking (yes, she forgets that quickly). and i said that i thought the second spanking was probably the most effective option. lots of other punishments just aren't as effective if what i need is a spanking, and it leads to power struggles and neither of us getting what we need.
so then w decided that i would be getting the punishment spanking this week. i guess i had full on puppy dog eyes or something, since she started laughing at my expression. all i know is, with my bottom already sore and throbbing, the thought of more spanking was... painful. but for the first time in a long while, i really was in the right head space for a spanking to be effective. i was sorry for my behavior, and i took responsibility for it, and i believed that w was going to follow through. so she gave me a third spanking, for skipping meals, for having a bad attitude, and for challenging her authority and getting into a power struggle that wasn't good for either of us, on friday night. so we're starting off the week, and i have a clean slate.
i know there will be testing for a while, because the fact is, w hasn't had a great track record for the past few months. things have been out of kilter, and punishments haven't happened when they should, or how they should. but maybe i should trust that it's ok to test. that's hard for me to believe. i feel guilty when i test, that i should just trust her, should just believe she will follow through, without needing proof. but maybe it's a kind of trust to let myself test until i can believe that she really will be there to catch me when i fall.
trust is a hard thing, especially with discipline in our relationship. this week is an example of that. w had said we'd be starting to do "sundays" again this week. "sunday" is a code word for a weekly check in and maintenance spanking. we hadn't done that for a while, mostly because everything was all mixed up while we were looking for an apartment and then moving, and then things just kind of stayed mixed up after we moved.
i don't know exactly how i feel about the maintenance spankings. part of me knows they're good when they work, but they don't always work, and it's hard to figure out why that is, and how to make them work, and sometimes it feels like we'd just be better not trying at all.
i guess that's kind of how i feel about trust. maybe things are better if i can trust people to follow through, but when that doesn't work out then it feels like it would be better not to try trusting people at all. mostly, that's how it goes. i don't count on most people in my life for things. i mean, i trust them as far as i don't think people are out to get me or anything, but i wouldn't count on them to be there for me, and i kind of have a back-up plan in mind, in case someone i've asked to do something doesn't follow through.
but that doesn't work as well with the maintenance spankings, or with discipline. if it's going to be anything other than me just pretending i have someone i can count on, or pretending that w can help, then i have to be able to trust that she's going to follow through. and that's hard, in part because she has a hard time with following through.
right. so this week. the first problem was that we were both sick, which means we spent most of the weekend sleeping. and since we have separate bedrooms, that meant we were in different rooms for most of the weekend. so the sunday maintenance didn't happen on sunday, because neither of us was really up for it. when we checked in about it yesterday (sunday), w also pointed out that it makes a lot of sense to do it on the day before our week starts, which meant today (monday) would work as well. so she made a plan: we'd get up, have breakfast, and then at noon we'd have the sunday check-in.
the thing is, if i'm not actively acting out, she often forgets to check in about the rules. and this works for a while. i can go a good long while without freaking out, and hold things together. so noon came, and no word from w about the check-in or maintenance. and over the course of the next hour, i guess i started to fall apart. i had been doing well, probably because i knew the spanking was coming. but the further we got from when it was supposed to happen, the less i was able to hold things together.
i can hear people saying, "well, you should have just reminded her." but the problem with that is, part of what i needed was to be able to trust that she would remember, and that she would make it a priority. a lot of the time lately, it's felt like discipline only happens if i ask for it. and frankly, if i ask for it, it's kind of a form of self-discipline. and it means i can't really let go, relax, not be self-disciplined. if it only comes when i ask for it, it means i still have to be on top of my behavior.
and yeah, i should be able to do that. honestly, i *can* do that a lot of the time, but when i can be on top of my own behavior, i don't need the bother of a spanking. when i'm able to be self-disciplined, i don't need the external discipline.
so around 1:30, i was freaking out about several things, and as i got more worked up, it reminded w of the spanking that should have happened. which is kind of like remembering on her own, except that, if i hadn't been freaking out, she wouldn't have.
we're working on that. i explained to w that setting reminders for herself isn't "cheating," in terms of whether or not she remembers things. she feels like she should just be able to remember, but she really can't. but she keeps trying, which means that she has a hard time getting my trust, because she isn't able to follow through on things, even when it hasn't been long since she said she'd do them.
so we had a long talk, since we both know that a spanking just doesn't work well if i'm angry. and then we went into my room for the spanking. it was still kind of... not settled, i guess, when we started. i think we hadn't had a good check-in, and so the spanking was just a spanking, not really connected to my behavior this week. and that doesn't work very well, it seems kind of beside the point.
she gave me a fairly light spanking. and i guess i did something that wasn't good for her ability to trust me. because i was still angry and resistant, i said "ok, that's enough spanking." to her, that said i was upset. which i was, but not about the spanking, so much as about the hassle of having to get it, when it didn't feel like it was working. and i guess it was something that i do sometimes, just to prove to myself that she's not really in charge. because there are things i can do or say during a spanking that will make it be not effective.
i guess it's a kind of testing, because i can't really lie well, or fake things like crying. but i can say things that are true in a way. and it's not like i wanted any more spanking. so w stopped the spanking, but then she could tell from my attitude afterward that it hadn't been enough, so she made me lean over for more spanking. at that point, there was still the problem that it wasn't addressing my behavior over the past week, it was just... a spanking. but that one was hard, and i was definitely ready for it to be over. well... not exactly. my bottom hurt like crazy, and i knew i would be sore, but i also knew there was still unfinished business, for the rules i'd broken and not gotten punishments for.
so we talked some more, and one suggestion w made was pretty smart. from here on out, sundays will have the maintenance spanking, *then* we'll talk about my behavior (she's noticed that i bring up more stuff during or right after a spanking). and then if there is unfinished business, i get the punishment spanking, after the maintenance.
this seemed like a good idea to me, but at the same time, i really, really didn't want another spanking. but at the same time, i wanted a clean slate. after some more talking, w seemed to have forgotten this idea. she was trying to come up with ideas for a punishment for things that come up after the maintenance spanking (yes, she forgets that quickly). and i said that i thought the second spanking was probably the most effective option. lots of other punishments just aren't as effective if what i need is a spanking, and it leads to power struggles and neither of us getting what we need.
so then w decided that i would be getting the punishment spanking this week. i guess i had full on puppy dog eyes or something, since she started laughing at my expression. all i know is, with my bottom already sore and throbbing, the thought of more spanking was... painful. but for the first time in a long while, i really was in the right head space for a spanking to be effective. i was sorry for my behavior, and i took responsibility for it, and i believed that w was going to follow through. so she gave me a third spanking, for skipping meals, for having a bad attitude, and for challenging her authority and getting into a power struggle that wasn't good for either of us, on friday night. so we're starting off the week, and i have a clean slate.
i know there will be testing for a while, because the fact is, w hasn't had a great track record for the past few months. things have been out of kilter, and punishments haven't happened when they should, or how they should. but maybe i should trust that it's ok to test. that's hard for me to believe. i feel guilty when i test, that i should just trust her, should just believe she will follow through, without needing proof. but maybe it's a kind of trust to let myself test until i can believe that she really will be there to catch me when i fall.
27 April, 2008
sunday
i'm supposed to write about the sunday maintenance spanking, but i really don't feel like it, so that's all i have to say on the subject. maybe i'll write more about it later.
20 April, 2008
sunday maintenance
another sunday, another sunday maintenance spanking i need to write about.
i don't know why it's so hard to write about these. i guess partly it's because it's pretty much the same every week, and i'm afraid it'll get boring: we checked in about last week, talked about my behavior, and then i got a spanking.
the main problem with my behavior last week is one i can see posing a problem this week, too. that is, i have really been feeling the need to push up against the edges of the limits. it's like i *need* to be breaking some rules, and need w to step in and enforce the rules.
but there's the problem of me also not wanting to hurt w's feelings, or make her unhappy... i really don't want her to be unhappy. and the problem is, very often, the way it works with the rules is that it's like she takes it personally. i mean, some of the things (like me being directly mean to her, or picking fights, or pushing her buttons) are definitely things that, on the surface, are about me wanting to hurt her feelings. the problem is, that's not my *goal*. it just kind of happens.
but there are other rules that it also seems like she takes personally. like bedtime. that's one that really is mostly about me--we've been sleeping in different rooms, so me being up late doesn't keep her up late. but in trying to set a tone for the discussions, w often personalizes things, saying that i'm keeping her up late, or something like that.
that came up partly when we were talking about how i need some rules i can break without it being about her, so that i don't need to intentionally break the rules that *are* more for her benefit. and i pointed out that it seemed to me like any rule i broke would wind up being personal.
so it's a frustrating thing. i haven't been able to figure out what it is that puts me in this state of needing to break a rule. well, i guess part of it is that every so often i need a spanking that's hard enough that i can still feel the effects after a couple of days. and it's been a while since i last had one of those, and i'm guessing that i'm gonna keep pushing until i wind up getting one of those.
but the weird thing is, it's not like i *enjoy* them, not those ones. pretty much any spanking i'm getting, after one or maybe two swats, while it is happening, i'm pretty sure it's been "enough." that i won't need another spanking for a really long time. but it's way less often that i can feel the spanking for a while afterwards, and when that doesn't happen, it's like i'm not able to bring the limit testing to an end, at least, not on my own.
but at the same time, i'm really wishing i could think of a way of testing the limits without hurting w. but the rules that are more likely to get me spanked are things like picking fights with her, or stuff like that. or skipping meals, but i've been trying hard not to do that one, because i do recognize that it's bad for me to skip meals.
anyhow. so that's what's been going through my head after this week's maintenance spanking.
i don't know why it's so hard to write about these. i guess partly it's because it's pretty much the same every week, and i'm afraid it'll get boring: we checked in about last week, talked about my behavior, and then i got a spanking.
the main problem with my behavior last week is one i can see posing a problem this week, too. that is, i have really been feeling the need to push up against the edges of the limits. it's like i *need* to be breaking some rules, and need w to step in and enforce the rules.
but there's the problem of me also not wanting to hurt w's feelings, or make her unhappy... i really don't want her to be unhappy. and the problem is, very often, the way it works with the rules is that it's like she takes it personally. i mean, some of the things (like me being directly mean to her, or picking fights, or pushing her buttons) are definitely things that, on the surface, are about me wanting to hurt her feelings. the problem is, that's not my *goal*. it just kind of happens.
but there are other rules that it also seems like she takes personally. like bedtime. that's one that really is mostly about me--we've been sleeping in different rooms, so me being up late doesn't keep her up late. but in trying to set a tone for the discussions, w often personalizes things, saying that i'm keeping her up late, or something like that.
that came up partly when we were talking about how i need some rules i can break without it being about her, so that i don't need to intentionally break the rules that *are* more for her benefit. and i pointed out that it seemed to me like any rule i broke would wind up being personal.
so it's a frustrating thing. i haven't been able to figure out what it is that puts me in this state of needing to break a rule. well, i guess part of it is that every so often i need a spanking that's hard enough that i can still feel the effects after a couple of days. and it's been a while since i last had one of those, and i'm guessing that i'm gonna keep pushing until i wind up getting one of those.
but the weird thing is, it's not like i *enjoy* them, not those ones. pretty much any spanking i'm getting, after one or maybe two swats, while it is happening, i'm pretty sure it's been "enough." that i won't need another spanking for a really long time. but it's way less often that i can feel the spanking for a while afterwards, and when that doesn't happen, it's like i'm not able to bring the limit testing to an end, at least, not on my own.
but at the same time, i'm really wishing i could think of a way of testing the limits without hurting w. but the rules that are more likely to get me spanked are things like picking fights with her, or stuff like that. or skipping meals, but i've been trying hard not to do that one, because i do recognize that it's bad for me to skip meals.
anyhow. so that's what's been going through my head after this week's maintenance spanking.
06 April, 2008
sunday maintenance
well, w wants me to write after each sunday maintenance spanking. this time around, i'm really not sure what to write about. it's been several weeks since i earned a punishment spanking, but she's been keeping up with the maintenance spankings.
deep down, i know that is probably a good idea. i mean, i know that when the maintenance spankings aren't happening, i don't do well. but i don't know why that is. i can't say what it is about the maintenance spankings, exactly, that helps.
the thing is, they make me more grounded. they kind of remind me that w cares about me and will keep me on track, no matter what.
but at the same time, it's a little strange, getting a spanking when i haven't done anything to be punished for. i mean, just because i know it works, doesn't mean that i like getting them. and spankings are usually seen as something that is either about sex or about punishment. and neither of those things is true with a maintenance spanking. i get them whether or not i have been bad. but they aren't about sex.
i don't know. they're weird. they do make me feel better, at least when they are over. i guess i feel this sense of being able to trust that w will follow through, be consistent, really be there for me. maybe there is a way we could do that without me having to get spanked. maybe just the check-in, and then i would only get a spanking if i'd misbehaved over the week before. but somehow, i guess that wouldn't wind up working.
it's pretty confusing to me. i know the spankings i get on sundays aren't as bad if i've followed the rules as they would be if i hadn't. and i know we're both relieved that we've had several weeks of good behavior.
the check-in before the spanking is also a good time for me (or whichever part is out at the time) to get any last bits of the week of my chest. so i can bring up things i feel guilty about, and we check in about them. it doesn't always affect how hard the spanking is. sometimes, it's just... i know it's something i feel bad about, and i guess it feels good to have the chance to talk about it with w. maybe i could talk about it just as easily in a different way... or maybe not. somehow, the corner time before a spanking, knowing i'm about to get the spanking, lets me sort through my thoughts and, i don't know, any bits and pieces i feel guilty about bubble up, and so i bring them up and talk about them.
and it's not like we don't talk throughout the week.
i guess the other thing i want to write about is how we are talking about this, at least some, with our couples' therapist. and i don't know how i feel about trying to explain to her what we're doing. i do know it's good, and it feels right to me. and really, it's not about sex.
oh, right. the maintenance spankings. how they can be something that isn't sex, and isn't punishment. i guess it's more like getting a vaccination or something. like, a little bit of discomfort, to prevent a larger amount of discomfort later? or to prevent having something go really wrong?
not sure. just thinking things through. i guess that's all i have to say right now.
deep down, i know that is probably a good idea. i mean, i know that when the maintenance spankings aren't happening, i don't do well. but i don't know why that is. i can't say what it is about the maintenance spankings, exactly, that helps.
the thing is, they make me more grounded. they kind of remind me that w cares about me and will keep me on track, no matter what.
but at the same time, it's a little strange, getting a spanking when i haven't done anything to be punished for. i mean, just because i know it works, doesn't mean that i like getting them. and spankings are usually seen as something that is either about sex or about punishment. and neither of those things is true with a maintenance spanking. i get them whether or not i have been bad. but they aren't about sex.
i don't know. they're weird. they do make me feel better, at least when they are over. i guess i feel this sense of being able to trust that w will follow through, be consistent, really be there for me. maybe there is a way we could do that without me having to get spanked. maybe just the check-in, and then i would only get a spanking if i'd misbehaved over the week before. but somehow, i guess that wouldn't wind up working.
it's pretty confusing to me. i know the spankings i get on sundays aren't as bad if i've followed the rules as they would be if i hadn't. and i know we're both relieved that we've had several weeks of good behavior.
the check-in before the spanking is also a good time for me (or whichever part is out at the time) to get any last bits of the week of my chest. so i can bring up things i feel guilty about, and we check in about them. it doesn't always affect how hard the spanking is. sometimes, it's just... i know it's something i feel bad about, and i guess it feels good to have the chance to talk about it with w. maybe i could talk about it just as easily in a different way... or maybe not. somehow, the corner time before a spanking, knowing i'm about to get the spanking, lets me sort through my thoughts and, i don't know, any bits and pieces i feel guilty about bubble up, and so i bring them up and talk about them.
and it's not like we don't talk throughout the week.
i guess the other thing i want to write about is how we are talking about this, at least some, with our couples' therapist. and i don't know how i feel about trying to explain to her what we're doing. i do know it's good, and it feels right to me. and really, it's not about sex.
oh, right. the maintenance spankings. how they can be something that isn't sex, and isn't punishment. i guess it's more like getting a vaccination or something. like, a little bit of discomfort, to prevent a larger amount of discomfort later? or to prevent having something go really wrong?
not sure. just thinking things through. i guess that's all i have to say right now.
23 March, 2008
coffee and a spanking
w and i are doing family stuff today. so i hoped maybe we would be skipping the whole "maintenance" thing this week. no such luck. last night, i got this text message:
so here it is, not even nine thirty in the morning, and i've had a spanking already. it wasn't a very hard spanking, but she said i wasn't allowed to squirm, which really seemed to make it hurt more. and it's hard to control that involuntary response.
as the spanking was ending, it was like something loosened inside of me. like some knot of something untangled. not sure how to describe it. what it meant was, as soon as the spanking was over, i grabbed hold of w to hug her. i needed that hug as much as i needed the spankings.
what was going through my head? well i guess it was that for a little bit, i felt safer than i have in a long time. it's ironic that this would come from a spanking, because, you know, there's all that stuff where they talk about how it's re-enacting abuse or something, or else it's sexual.
that's not at all what went on with me.
maybe it's that some parts in the system have really been thinking about how spankings happened when i was growing up (well, beatings that were *called* spankings). and how even when it's really bad now, the worst spankings i've gotten from w, are nothing compared to the kinds of things that were doled out to little kids in my family. there's one particular memory... not gonna get into it right now, but i'll probably post it before too long, either here or at my other blog. i know there are parts who want to write about that one, but it's hard.
anyhow.
some of the release was just... it felt like a little barrier being taken away from my ability to trust w. like, i was able to trust her just one bit more, and that came with this feeling of release, like i had to hold onto her really hard, because all of a sudden, that was more possible for me.
because, yeah, for me, having this disciplinary relationship is a key part of my ability to trust w. the fact that she keeps on being consistent. that she will enforce the rules even when i don't want her to. that we have built up our ability to communicate, and our trust in each other.
it's not like discipline or the rules solve any of our problems.
and actually, thinking about the initial text message... it's not like i'm not still in charge of a lot of elements in our relationship. i am the one who suggests lots of the rules. and we work together to figure out when the rules are working, and when they need to be changed.
and also, there's the fact that we take my mental health into account. when the reason i haven't followed the rules is because i just couldn't handle it, then we decide together, on a case-by-case basis. because the fact is, it probably *would* be a replication of abuse to ask me to ignore what's going on inside of me in favor of following rules (specifically in this case the daily tasks; safety-related rules still have to be followed).
i think it's the communication we have to do for the discipline that helps this to re-write the patterns i learned as a child. no matter how i behave, it's clear that w still loves me, and respects me, and cares for me. and she's not going to go over the top just because she is frustrated. she's shown over and over again that she isn't going to cross those lines. and i really appreciate that.
not sure what else to say, so i guess i'll leave it at that.
what time do we have to get up for coffee and a spanking?
so here it is, not even nine thirty in the morning, and i've had a spanking already. it wasn't a very hard spanking, but she said i wasn't allowed to squirm, which really seemed to make it hurt more. and it's hard to control that involuntary response.
as the spanking was ending, it was like something loosened inside of me. like some knot of something untangled. not sure how to describe it. what it meant was, as soon as the spanking was over, i grabbed hold of w to hug her. i needed that hug as much as i needed the spankings.
what was going through my head? well i guess it was that for a little bit, i felt safer than i have in a long time. it's ironic that this would come from a spanking, because, you know, there's all that stuff where they talk about how it's re-enacting abuse or something, or else it's sexual.
that's not at all what went on with me.
maybe it's that some parts in the system have really been thinking about how spankings happened when i was growing up (well, beatings that were *called* spankings). and how even when it's really bad now, the worst spankings i've gotten from w, are nothing compared to the kinds of things that were doled out to little kids in my family. there's one particular memory... not gonna get into it right now, but i'll probably post it before too long, either here or at my other blog. i know there are parts who want to write about that one, but it's hard.
anyhow.
some of the release was just... it felt like a little barrier being taken away from my ability to trust w. like, i was able to trust her just one bit more, and that came with this feeling of release, like i had to hold onto her really hard, because all of a sudden, that was more possible for me.
because, yeah, for me, having this disciplinary relationship is a key part of my ability to trust w. the fact that she keeps on being consistent. that she will enforce the rules even when i don't want her to. that we have built up our ability to communicate, and our trust in each other.
it's not like discipline or the rules solve any of our problems.
and actually, thinking about the initial text message... it's not like i'm not still in charge of a lot of elements in our relationship. i am the one who suggests lots of the rules. and we work together to figure out when the rules are working, and when they need to be changed.
and also, there's the fact that we take my mental health into account. when the reason i haven't followed the rules is because i just couldn't handle it, then we decide together, on a case-by-case basis. because the fact is, it probably *would* be a replication of abuse to ask me to ignore what's going on inside of me in favor of following rules (specifically in this case the daily tasks; safety-related rules still have to be followed).
i think it's the communication we have to do for the discipline that helps this to re-write the patterns i learned as a child. no matter how i behave, it's clear that w still loves me, and respects me, and cares for me. and she's not going to go over the top just because she is frustrated. she's shown over and over again that she isn't going to cross those lines. and i really appreciate that.
not sure what else to say, so i guess i'll leave it at that.
02 March, 2008
not sure what to say
w wants me to write more. i don't feel exactly comfortable writing here is part of the problem, but the places i feel more comfortable, i don't think it's appropriate to talk about spankings.
so i guess i'm writing here.
maybe i should say something about the whole different parts thing. i don't know. not sure where that fits in, or what's ok to write.
the last post i, in the sense of "someone who is in this body" did, that was mostly jamie, and some of me. i guess i started coming out during the earlier "sunday night" spanking which i guess will now be a "sunday afternoon" spanking. i'm grace by the way.
anyhow, i guess since i was out, and there was stuff going on that i don't know what it was, so it seemed to w like i wasn't feeling any better, or that i was feeling worse. but more, that was just kind of a switch in who was out. not that the spanking hadn't worked. but i couldn't figure out how to explain that.
then we went out to a coffee shop to see some of our friends. i walked there, but someone else came out for the social stuff (not very social, since the friends are really pretty introverted, but i guess for the being around people part). but that didn't last too long, so i came home early.
i was having a hard time, but i wanted w to have a chance to spend time with the friends. so i just came home. feeling really crummy, and i *did* try to think of who to call, but there really wasn't anyone, so i didn't call anyone. just kind of buried myself in a book. good thing i had a book i wanted to read.
but then, for a whole lot of reasons, when w came home with dinner, i chose not to go eat right then. partly, it was not being up to being social, since one of our friends had come home with her. partly, it was because... i guess because it's a way of being able to express that something is wrong? i don't know. it wasn't exactly deliberate rule-breaking, and yet, refusing to go eat dinner breaks one of the big rules, and i did it... except not entirely on purpose, if that makes any sense.
but anyhow, pretty much as soon as our friend left to go home, w came in and sent me into the bedroom for a spanking. which i got. and then we talked some, which was good. and then she sent me in here to write, which i am doing. still not sure that i'm really ok being the one writing here, but i guess it doesn't really matter, and those who aren't interested aren't required to read.
maybe someone else will be out later and write something that's worth the time it takes to read. i don't know.
so i guess i'm writing here.
maybe i should say something about the whole different parts thing. i don't know. not sure where that fits in, or what's ok to write.
the last post i, in the sense of "someone who is in this body" did, that was mostly jamie, and some of me. i guess i started coming out during the earlier "sunday night" spanking which i guess will now be a "sunday afternoon" spanking. i'm grace by the way.
anyhow, i guess since i was out, and there was stuff going on that i don't know what it was, so it seemed to w like i wasn't feeling any better, or that i was feeling worse. but more, that was just kind of a switch in who was out. not that the spanking hadn't worked. but i couldn't figure out how to explain that.
then we went out to a coffee shop to see some of our friends. i walked there, but someone else came out for the social stuff (not very social, since the friends are really pretty introverted, but i guess for the being around people part). but that didn't last too long, so i came home early.
i was having a hard time, but i wanted w to have a chance to spend time with the friends. so i just came home. feeling really crummy, and i *did* try to think of who to call, but there really wasn't anyone, so i didn't call anyone. just kind of buried myself in a book. good thing i had a book i wanted to read.
but then, for a whole lot of reasons, when w came home with dinner, i chose not to go eat right then. partly, it was not being up to being social, since one of our friends had come home with her. partly, it was because... i guess because it's a way of being able to express that something is wrong? i don't know. it wasn't exactly deliberate rule-breaking, and yet, refusing to go eat dinner breaks one of the big rules, and i did it... except not entirely on purpose, if that makes any sense.
but anyhow, pretty much as soon as our friend left to go home, w came in and sent me into the bedroom for a spanking. which i got. and then we talked some, which was good. and then she sent me in here to write, which i am doing. still not sure that i'm really ok being the one writing here, but i guess it doesn't really matter, and those who aren't interested aren't required to read.
maybe someone else will be out later and write something that's worth the time it takes to read. i don't know.
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