05 November, 2006

Missing things

I miss "Sunday nights." I miss the freedom to just play without worrying about whether it's going to give me flashbacks, or put out W's back, or re-enact abuse, or just plain worrying.

I miss being able to be intimate without having to first stop, and put barriers around all of the parts of my mind that have spent the last several months just fiercely triggered.

I don't know what happened. It used to be, I could find those barriers easily enough, and I could have stretches of weeks, months, even years where I wasn't constantly having to beware of the lurking bits inside my brain, those land mines where, when you put your foot down just wrong, days and weeks of terror would ensue.

It's not that it was easy, don't get me wrong. But there were times when I could just be, and I really miss that.

What's harder is that, even when I've taken the time to put up all of the barriers, to get myself into exactly the right frame of mind, there's still W to think about... still finding a way to communicate that, yes, this is a safe time, yes, it's worth it to take down her own barriers for the sake of that connection. And instead, we end up having to talk and talk and talk about things, making sure that each of us is okay, that our needs are being met, that everything is fine.

Sometimes, I just want to pretend nothing happened, that I'm normal, that I'm fine, that we can just do things without having to think about them incessantly.

Sometimes, I wish I could just stop thinking about it, ignore the potential damage and pitfalls, and just go ahead and do things. Because it's certainly not that my body doesn't want it, you know? But I haven't figured out a way to grab hold of those fleeting moments when actually having sex, or a spanking, or even making out... I don't know how to grab hold of those seconds when it's possible to start, before my mind becomes aware of what's about to start, and begins showing me images of, well, similar things with a whole nother power dynamic. And so instead, we've just been avoiding it.

Damn, but I wish there were another option, for any piece of it, really.

But right now, it's "Sunday nights" I'm missing the most. That sense of structure, safety; the chance to relax, to let go of stress, to focus on physical sensations, to be utterly in the moment. The lingering effects through the beginning of the week. And, of course, the prospect of actually being able to do something other than desperately look for ways to fill up my days; the notion that I can be held responsible and accountable for things.