trust

i'm supposed to write about trust. probably trust and a write-up of weekly maintenance, but trust is the main theme.

trust is a hard thing, especially with discipline in our relationship. this week is an example of that. w had said we'd be starting to do "sundays" again this week. "sunday" is a code word for a weekly check in and maintenance spanking. we hadn't done that for a while, mostly because everything was all mixed up while we were looking for an apartment and then moving, and then things just kind of stayed mixed up after we moved.

i don't know exactly how i feel about the maintenance spankings. part of me knows they're good when they work, but they don't always work, and it's hard to figure out why that is, and how to make them work, and sometimes it feels like we'd just be better not trying at all.

i guess that's kind of how i feel about trust. maybe things are better if i can trust people to follow through, but when that doesn't work out then it feels like it would be better not to try trusting people at all. mostly, that's how it goes. i don't count on most people in my life for things. i mean, i trust them as far as i don't think people are out to get me or anything, but i wouldn't count on them to be there for me, and i kind of have a back-up plan in mind, in case someone i've asked to do something doesn't follow through.

but that doesn't work as well with the maintenance spankings, or with discipline. if it's going to be anything other than me just pretending i have someone i can count on, or pretending that w can help, then i have to be able to trust that she's going to follow through. and that's hard, in part because she has a hard time with following through.

right. so this week. the first problem was that we were both sick, which means we spent most of the weekend sleeping. and since we have separate bedrooms, that meant we were in different rooms for most of the weekend. so the sunday maintenance didn't happen on sunday, because neither of us was really up for it. when we checked in about it yesterday (sunday), w also pointed out that it makes a lot of sense to do it on the day before our week starts, which meant today (monday) would work as well. so she made a plan: we'd get up, have breakfast, and then at noon we'd have the sunday check-in.

the thing is, if i'm not actively acting out, she often forgets to check in about the rules. and this works for a while. i can go a good long while without freaking out, and hold things together. so noon came, and no word from w about the check-in or maintenance. and over the course of the next hour, i guess i started to fall apart. i had been doing well, probably because i knew the spanking was coming. but the further we got from when it was supposed to happen, the less i was able to hold things together.

i can hear people saying, "well, you should have just reminded her." but the problem with that is, part of what i needed was to be able to trust that she would remember, and that she would make it a priority. a lot of the time lately, it's felt like discipline only happens if i ask for it. and frankly, if i ask for it, it's kind of a form of self-discipline. and it means i can't really let go, relax, not be self-disciplined. if it only comes when i ask for it, it means i still have to be on top of my behavior.

and yeah, i should be able to do that. honestly, i *can* do that a lot of the time, but when i can be on top of my own behavior, i don't need the bother of a spanking. when i'm able to be self-disciplined, i don't need the external discipline.

so around 1:30, i was freaking out about several things, and as i got more worked up, it reminded w of the spanking that should have happened. which is kind of like remembering on her own, except that, if i hadn't been freaking out, she wouldn't have.

we're working on that. i explained to w that setting reminders for herself isn't "cheating," in terms of whether or not she remembers things. she feels like she should just be able to remember, but she really can't. but she keeps trying, which means that she has a hard time getting my trust, because she isn't able to follow through on things, even when it hasn't been long since she said she'd do them.

so we had a long talk, since we both know that a spanking just doesn't work well if i'm angry. and then we went into my room for the spanking. it was still kind of... not settled, i guess, when we started. i think we hadn't had a good check-in, and so the spanking was just a spanking, not really connected to my behavior this week. and that doesn't work very well, it seems kind of beside the point.

she gave me a fairly light spanking. and i guess i did something that wasn't good for her ability to trust me. because i was still angry and resistant, i said "ok, that's enough spanking." to her, that said i was upset. which i was, but not about the spanking, so much as about the hassle of having to get it, when it didn't feel like it was working. and i guess it was something that i do sometimes, just to prove to myself that she's not really in charge. because there are things i can do or say during a spanking that will make it be not effective.

i guess it's a kind of testing, because i can't really lie well, or fake things like crying. but i can say things that are true in a way. and it's not like i wanted any more spanking. so w stopped the spanking, but then she could tell from my attitude afterward that it hadn't been enough, so she made me lean over for more spanking. at that point, there was still the problem that it wasn't addressing my behavior over the past week, it was just... a spanking. but that one was hard, and i was definitely ready for it to be over. well... not exactly. my bottom hurt like crazy, and i knew i would be sore, but i also knew there was still unfinished business, for the rules i'd broken and not gotten punishments for.

so we talked some more, and one suggestion w made was pretty smart. from here on out, sundays will have the maintenance spanking, *then* we'll talk about my behavior (she's noticed that i bring up more stuff during or right after a spanking). and then if there is unfinished business, i get the punishment spanking, after the maintenance.

this seemed like a good idea to me, but at the same time, i really, really didn't want another spanking. but at the same time, i wanted a clean slate. after some more talking, w seemed to have forgotten this idea. she was trying to come up with ideas for a punishment for things that come up after the maintenance spanking (yes, she forgets that quickly). and i said that i thought the second spanking was probably the most effective option. lots of other punishments just aren't as effective if what i need is a spanking, and it leads to power struggles and neither of us getting what we need.

so then w decided that i would be getting the punishment spanking this week. i guess i had full on puppy dog eyes or something, since she started laughing at my expression. all i know is, with my bottom already sore and throbbing, the thought of more spanking was... painful. but for the first time in a long while, i really was in the right head space for a spanking to be effective. i was sorry for my behavior, and i took responsibility for it, and i believed that w was going to follow through. so she gave me a third spanking, for skipping meals, for having a bad attitude, and for challenging her authority and getting into a power struggle that wasn't good for either of us, on friday night. so we're starting off the week, and i have a clean slate.

i know there will be testing for a while, because the fact is, w hasn't had a great track record for the past few months. things have been out of kilter, and punishments haven't happened when they should, or how they should. but maybe i should trust that it's ok to test. that's hard for me to believe. i feel guilty when i test, that i should just trust her, should just believe she will follow through, without needing proof. but maybe it's a kind of trust to let myself test until i can believe that she really will be there to catch me when i fall.