Keeping both hands on the desk

I think I'm in more trouble than I expected. My darling wife is working away from home for the summer. And before she left, she suggested that we both agree not to masturbate. I've wondered about what it would be like to have a rule to follow, so I agreed. The thing is, I didn't realize how lonely I would be getting, and how much I would be craving some kind of comfort. Also, when we made the agreement, there was an implication that we'd be having phone sex, so I figured everything would be all right.

The first week was no problem: I had a horrible flu, and touching myself was the last thing on my mind. The second week was a little harder, because I was stuck in bed, and I'd watched more TV than I could stand, but I couldn't hold up a book, and there was really only one other thing to try. But I was good, and I didn't.

Then, after a bunch of different stresses, I really needed release, and since I couldn't talk to her on the phone, well, you know. I felt kind of bad, but not very bad. And I wrote her a long, steamy letter of confession (which, unfortunately, turned me on so much that I did it again.)

Cut to a week later. More stress, on top of PMS, on top of lots of other things. The fact is, what I needed to do was break down and let myself cry. But I don't do that, not unless I'm desperate. So I did the next best thing, emotional release-wise. More than once. With rapidly decreasing guilt.

The thing is, when she asked, and I admitted, on the phone tonight, she sounded really upset with me, instead of play-upset. She complained about it, because it was so unfair that I can, um, enjoy myself when I masturbate, and she can't, not on her own.

So I feel bad, because I had thought it was just a little game we were playing, not very important, not "real." And it seems like it was real. But on the other hand, I'm irritated with her, because she's acting like I've got all of this fun stuff to do, and all of these advantages from being stuck at home, in the city, with no money, and a kitchen full of bugs with no one who isn't completely squicked out by them to deal with them. Like she's deprived, working in a place with lots of cool people, meals provided, the chance to go swimming every day, and much better weather than here. Also, if she gave it more of a try, she could get some pleasure from masturbation.

I guess I'm just rationalizing. And I'm also testing, to see exactly what the punishment will be, and whether she'll actually follow through on it. I get that way--being a total brat when I feel like I need a spanking, and pushing further across that line, the longer I don't get spanked for it. So now I guess part of why I'm cranky is that if she's actually angry with me, I won't be getting a spanking. She won't spank me for anything that actually annoys her, and absolutely refuses to do so for something that makes her angry or upset.

And it just feels so unfair! I learned to masturbate not long after I started college, because I no longer had the relief of spanking myself (too noisy for a dorm). And now I often masturbate when what I really want is a spanking, and I can't have a spanking, and now I can't masturbate, either. What the heck am I supposed to do?!