so, we finally got moved. this is good. if by "moved" i mean the majority of our stuff is at the new place, and we're waiting on additional reserves of energy to finish up with the move. but enough of our stuff is at the new place that it's all filled up with boxes, and we can't find anything, whereas the old place now has little enough stuff that it echoes when we walk in, and there isn't much to find.
there are advantages to the new place, but i'm not sure how ttwd will work out, since our usual spanking location, w's room, is right at the front of the apartment, facing the street, and isn't very soundproofed at all. for a variety of reasons, my room isn't a great place (mostly for my psychological well-being, and our general belief that i should have a space that is sort of my domain... but perhaps we'll rethink that.)
so that leaves the dining room (at the back of the apartment, largely without windows to the outside, but lacking in comfortable spots for w to sit while spanking me) or the living room (at the front of the apartment, near enough the front door that sound will carry).
or maybe we could get a louder stereo and imitate the neighbors' tendency to blast their music. i'm not sure what kind of implements would sound like the bass on a stereo, but it's a definite thought.
in the meanwhile, what with being busy with the move, we've been on hiatus from the rules. i'm not sure when we'll get back to them, because we're moved now, but unpacking is overlapping with getting ready for the holidays, and then... well, maybe in the new year. i'm hoping i'll be able to hold out that long. i know there are parts who need the rules, but at the same time, it's been hard enough to manage with all the things that need to get done, so having the little break is pretty nice.
so more writing at some point later, when we're more settled into the new place, but i thought i'd let people have something to comment on just in case anyone is checking for updates to the blog.
16 December, 2008
04 December, 2008
Christmas meme!
Mija posted this meme on her blog, and I thought it would be a handy way of getting some kind of post up here while in the middle of the utter chaos of moving. Enjoy!
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Gift bags--fabric ones I make myself. Partly, it's environmental, partly, it's easier to wrap things, and partly, it gives me an easy way to use those great holiday themed fabrics at the fabric store. I just need to make enough of them that I'm willing to let people keep them!
2. Real tree or artificial?
I broke down and got an artificial tree last year, when the cost for a real tree was higher than for a decent artificial one. The down side is, it's all the less likely that the tree will be taken down within a reasonable time frame!
3. When do you put up the tree?
It depends somewhat on when Chanukah falls, because when possible, we wait until afterwards. Otherwise, the tree generally goes up around the Winter Solstice (21st December).
4. When do you take the tree down?
It's supposed to get taken *down*? I do my best to have it down by Valentine's Day. Barring that, it's *definitely* down by Passover!
5. Do you like eggnog?
Mmmmmmmmm. Eggnog. I love eggnog, and I've even had homemade eggnog that was delicious.
6. Favorite gift received as a child?
This is a hard call. I think I got the Holly Hobbie Bake Oven for Christmas, and that was a great present. My all-time favorite gift, trumping the trip to Disneyland I'd gotten that same year, was a large paper grocery bag filled to overflowing with used books. I was in heaven. Yes, I am *that* much of a bibliophile.
7. Hardest person to buy for?
I think this varies from year to year. We generally do what we call a "sweatshop craft," where we choose one thing and make a whole bunch of it, which definitely makes it a little easier to decide what to give people (they get some combination of the things we've made that year). With my family, I traditionally give them a combination of the sweatshop craft and home baked cookies. So I guess that brings it down to W, for whom I need to get real presents for both Christmas and Chanukah. Then again, she's happy with pretty much everything, so it's pretty fun to shop for her.
8. Easiest person to buy for?
When I have money and time, pretty much everyone on my list is easy to buy for. The people who are picky about things either won't like anything I get, or have specific wish lists up and I can just choose something from that.
9. Do you have a nativity scene?
More or less. I have a Playmobil nativity, but I'm not sure if all of the pieces are going to survive the move. And the nativity has gotten mixed in with my other Playmobil toys, so I tend to just kind of mix and match if we decide to put up a nativity scene (last year's nativity included several pirates, and three Santas as the wise men!)
10. Mail or email Christmas cards?
Mail, all the way. Mail is more special, and while I don't often get letters sent off, I like to give people the thrill of real mail when I can.
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
The year I was 14, it wasn't so much the gifts I received (which did kind of suck) but the contrast between what I was getting and what my siblings were getting. We'd had a lot of money trouble that year, and so my mother didn't get too many presents. But people outside the family gave a TON of gifts. And somehow (I'm sure it wasn't personal), they got things that were perfect for all of my siblings, and then things that were just the opposite for me (watching each sibling in turn open up their heart's desire, and then getting a spring green, unadorned sweatshirt.... I am not making this up.)
12. Favorite Christmas Movie?
Probably A Christmas Story, although several others are on the list.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
Depends on the year. I start when I have time and money, somewhere in late November or December. The latest I have ever bought a present was Christmas Day (although that *was* a Chanukah present, and was added on as kind of a joke).
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
Probably, although I can't precisely remember. Well, and if it's a magazine subscription, eventually the magazine gets recycled. ;)
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
Probably cookies, in the sense that I make a ton of them, and they are yummy. In terms of real food, finger foods are the best! I'm always busy, and it somehow feels like less of an interruption if the food is already in bite-sized pieces. But I also like to make Ethiopian food around the winter holidays, so that's another thing entirely.
16. Lights on the tree; colored or white?
Colored, definitely. White lights outside, colored inside on the tree.
17. Favorite Christmas song?
I like pretty much any Christmas song, so long as it's a nice version. But I was realizing recently that Carol of the Bells and I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day are both songs that I can listen to in pretty much any version.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
Stay home, definitely (although we'll travel across town to have dinner with my mother in law, depending on our preferences for the day).
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer?
Well, I don't know about *all* of them. I can name Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder, Blitzen, Rudolph, and Olive the Other Reindeer. And there's a song that refers to "Randolph," but I'm not sure whether or not he's a reindeer.
20. Angel on the tree top or a star?
It's either a star or a snowflake. It's been a while since I saw the Christmas ornaments.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
One present Christmas Eve, and the rest Christmas morning. Although this gets complicated with extended family and then you add on Chanukah, so there are eight nights of presents as well. And a friend of mine and I had a long tradition of exchanging our gifts on the winter solstice.
23. Favorite ornament theme or color?
I like the decorations taken as a whole--our tree is *covered* with lights and ornaments, and there are decorations throughout the apartment. When it comes down to it, probably the *lights* are my favorite theme, because that's what ties together all of the holidays this time of year, the celebration of light.
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner?
Are you supposed to eat *food* on Christmas? When you've got all those *cookies*? Seriously, lately it's been Chinese buffet (traditional Jewish Christmas dinner) but every so often we get inspired to make a more involved meal. For a few years we were doing things like duck and goose, which were fun.
25. What do you want for Christmas this year?
For my fibromyalgia to let up enough that I can accomplish the move without collapsing either during it or after. And for the move to go smoothly enough that we are able to do a real Christmas this year. And to find time to do presents and cookies and all the traditional stuff.
26. Who is most likely to respond to this?
I doubt anyone will, but I'd be glad if they did!
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Gift bags--fabric ones I make myself. Partly, it's environmental, partly, it's easier to wrap things, and partly, it gives me an easy way to use those great holiday themed fabrics at the fabric store. I just need to make enough of them that I'm willing to let people keep them!
2. Real tree or artificial?
I broke down and got an artificial tree last year, when the cost for a real tree was higher than for a decent artificial one. The down side is, it's all the less likely that the tree will be taken down within a reasonable time frame!
3. When do you put up the tree?
It depends somewhat on when Chanukah falls, because when possible, we wait until afterwards. Otherwise, the tree generally goes up around the Winter Solstice (21st December).
4. When do you take the tree down?
It's supposed to get taken *down*? I do my best to have it down by Valentine's Day. Barring that, it's *definitely* down by Passover!
5. Do you like eggnog?
Mmmmmmmmm. Eggnog. I love eggnog, and I've even had homemade eggnog that was delicious.
6. Favorite gift received as a child?
This is a hard call. I think I got the Holly Hobbie Bake Oven for Christmas, and that was a great present. My all-time favorite gift, trumping the trip to Disneyland I'd gotten that same year, was a large paper grocery bag filled to overflowing with used books. I was in heaven. Yes, I am *that* much of a bibliophile.
7. Hardest person to buy for?
I think this varies from year to year. We generally do what we call a "sweatshop craft," where we choose one thing and make a whole bunch of it, which definitely makes it a little easier to decide what to give people (they get some combination of the things we've made that year). With my family, I traditionally give them a combination of the sweatshop craft and home baked cookies. So I guess that brings it down to W, for whom I need to get real presents for both Christmas and Chanukah. Then again, she's happy with pretty much everything, so it's pretty fun to shop for her.
8. Easiest person to buy for?
When I have money and time, pretty much everyone on my list is easy to buy for. The people who are picky about things either won't like anything I get, or have specific wish lists up and I can just choose something from that.
9. Do you have a nativity scene?
More or less. I have a Playmobil nativity, but I'm not sure if all of the pieces are going to survive the move. And the nativity has gotten mixed in with my other Playmobil toys, so I tend to just kind of mix and match if we decide to put up a nativity scene (last year's nativity included several pirates, and three Santas as the wise men!)
10. Mail or email Christmas cards?
Mail, all the way. Mail is more special, and while I don't often get letters sent off, I like to give people the thrill of real mail when I can.
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
The year I was 14, it wasn't so much the gifts I received (which did kind of suck) but the contrast between what I was getting and what my siblings were getting. We'd had a lot of money trouble that year, and so my mother didn't get too many presents. But people outside the family gave a TON of gifts. And somehow (I'm sure it wasn't personal), they got things that were perfect for all of my siblings, and then things that were just the opposite for me (watching each sibling in turn open up their heart's desire, and then getting a spring green, unadorned sweatshirt.... I am not making this up.)
12. Favorite Christmas Movie?
Probably A Christmas Story, although several others are on the list.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
Depends on the year. I start when I have time and money, somewhere in late November or December. The latest I have ever bought a present was Christmas Day (although that *was* a Chanukah present, and was added on as kind of a joke).
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
Probably, although I can't precisely remember. Well, and if it's a magazine subscription, eventually the magazine gets recycled. ;)
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
Probably cookies, in the sense that I make a ton of them, and they are yummy. In terms of real food, finger foods are the best! I'm always busy, and it somehow feels like less of an interruption if the food is already in bite-sized pieces. But I also like to make Ethiopian food around the winter holidays, so that's another thing entirely.
16. Lights on the tree; colored or white?
Colored, definitely. White lights outside, colored inside on the tree.
17. Favorite Christmas song?
I like pretty much any Christmas song, so long as it's a nice version. But I was realizing recently that Carol of the Bells and I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day are both songs that I can listen to in pretty much any version.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
Stay home, definitely (although we'll travel across town to have dinner with my mother in law, depending on our preferences for the day).
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer?
Well, I don't know about *all* of them. I can name Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder, Blitzen, Rudolph, and Olive the Other Reindeer. And there's a song that refers to "Randolph," but I'm not sure whether or not he's a reindeer.
20. Angel on the tree top or a star?
It's either a star or a snowflake. It's been a while since I saw the Christmas ornaments.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
One present Christmas Eve, and the rest Christmas morning. Although this gets complicated with extended family and then you add on Chanukah, so there are eight nights of presents as well. And a friend of mine and I had a long tradition of exchanging our gifts on the winter solstice.
23. Favorite ornament theme or color?
I like the decorations taken as a whole--our tree is *covered* with lights and ornaments, and there are decorations throughout the apartment. When it comes down to it, probably the *lights* are my favorite theme, because that's what ties together all of the holidays this time of year, the celebration of light.
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner?
Are you supposed to eat *food* on Christmas? When you've got all those *cookies*? Seriously, lately it's been Chinese buffet (traditional Jewish Christmas dinner) but every so often we get inspired to make a more involved meal. For a few years we were doing things like duck and goose, which were fun.
25. What do you want for Christmas this year?
For my fibromyalgia to let up enough that I can accomplish the move without collapsing either during it or after. And for the move to go smoothly enough that we are able to do a real Christmas this year. And to find time to do presents and cookies and all the traditional stuff.
26. Who is most likely to respond to this?
I doubt anyone will, but I'd be glad if they did!
05 November, 2008
By the content of their character
I wrote this for my Livejournal late last night, intending to come up with something more polished this morning. But in the end, I think it was a good post as originally written, so I'm just copying it here.
The tears surprised me. I had been trying so hard all day, not to hope, to prepare myself for going to bed tonight, disappointed, not yet knowing who would win the election, having the outcome precarious.
And then, as I was counting up the tally on the Google election map, they announced it on TV. Obama won. McCain conceded. And I noticed there were tears in my eyes.
I voted for Obama because I believe he will best represent my interests. I voted based on the merits. Intellectually, race didn't matter to me. Obama was the better candidate. Whether he will live up to the promises he has made, whether he will fulfill the hopes that people have piled on top of him, he is still the better candidate to represent me. Intellectually, I was willing to leave it there.
But when they announced that Obama won, I noticed I was crying. And the thought that kept running through my head was, "This is someone who is like me. Someone who looks like me. Someone who had some similar experiences. Someone like me is going to be the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES."
I am still just... awestruck.
The cynical part of my brain keeps analyzing the speeches, keeps aloof, looking at the ways that news reports fall back on a series of cliches; I look at the representations of supporters on each side--white, downcast supporters of McCain; jubilant or crying multiracial supporters of Obama. I analyze, I criticize.
But inside, I feel like my heart has filled up with wonder. That this moment should occur, that I am writing about it right now, tonight... it's amazing to me. There is a level that cynicism and intellectualization can't conquer. Today, November 4th, 2008, a majority of the United States elected someone like me to be president. And I think about all of the little children who will spend the next four--or eight--years with someone who looks like them in the White House. Who will have this example in front of them, as they imagine the possibilities in their lives.
It's a spiritual moment for me as well, and I just want to say "Thank you" to the powers that made this possible.
The tears surprised me. I had been trying so hard all day, not to hope, to prepare myself for going to bed tonight, disappointed, not yet knowing who would win the election, having the outcome precarious.
And then, as I was counting up the tally on the Google election map, they announced it on TV. Obama won. McCain conceded. And I noticed there were tears in my eyes.
I voted for Obama because I believe he will best represent my interests. I voted based on the merits. Intellectually, race didn't matter to me. Obama was the better candidate. Whether he will live up to the promises he has made, whether he will fulfill the hopes that people have piled on top of him, he is still the better candidate to represent me. Intellectually, I was willing to leave it there.
But when they announced that Obama won, I noticed I was crying. And the thought that kept running through my head was, "This is someone who is like me. Someone who looks like me. Someone who had some similar experiences. Someone like me is going to be the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES."
I am still just... awestruck.
The cynical part of my brain keeps analyzing the speeches, keeps aloof, looking at the ways that news reports fall back on a series of cliches; I look at the representations of supporters on each side--white, downcast supporters of McCain; jubilant or crying multiracial supporters of Obama. I analyze, I criticize.
But inside, I feel like my heart has filled up with wonder. That this moment should occur, that I am writing about it right now, tonight... it's amazing to me. There is a level that cynicism and intellectualization can't conquer. Today, November 4th, 2008, a majority of the United States elected someone like me to be president. And I think about all of the little children who will spend the next four--or eight--years with someone who looks like them in the White House. Who will have this example in front of them, as they imagine the possibilities in their lives.
It's a spiritual moment for me as well, and I just want to say "Thank you" to the powers that made this possible.
19 October, 2008
Breathin'
Cool! I found a version of the song that inspired this blog's name, and I thought I'd share it. I <3 the Asylum Street Spankers, and this song totally rocks.
17 October, 2008
Politics
 | You preferred Obama's statements 100% of the time Voting purely on the issues you should vote Obama Who would you vote for if you voted on the issues? Find out now! |
I could've predicted this pretty easily. I did some interactive online thing last year to see which of the Democratic candidates was most in line with my beliefs, and according to that, Obama had voted the way I would have preferred on something like 85% or 90% of the issues. So then I checked him out more. Yup, Obama seduced my vote with his charismatic voting record. (And BOY am I hoping two things: one, that he wins, and two, that he continues to vote the way I'd want him to vote as much as he did as a senator.)
----------------
Listening to: Kelly Joe Phelps - Beggar's Oil
13 October, 2008
Domestic Discipline Name Generator
To celebrate the one year anniversary of This Thing We Do forum, I put together a Domestic Discipline Name Generator. So now you can get a lovely name for all kinds of uses. Um, like if you're wanting to change your name, there's nothing better than "Trounce McChastisement" to generate respect for your new identity.
As for me, my brand new spanking name is Snarky Angel Halo.
Take The Domestic Discipline Name Generator today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.
28 August, 2008
DD smart
ok. so maybe, just MAYBE no one at dunkin donuts has heard about DD. but am i the only person who has noticed just how many times they use the term DD? are w and i the only ones who have this ongoing urge to yoink one of their oven mitt things that hang from the ceiling, and say "DD" with steam rising from the cross-hatched mitt?
19 August, 2008
Spanked
or, "How to score a free book of erotica and then realize that you've committed to thoughtfully reading it while visiting friends and relatives."
(click the photo to see the book on Amazon)
A month or so ago, I got an email from Rachel Kramer Bussel ( here's her blog ), inviting me to be a part of an online book tour.
At the time, it seemed like a manageable thing to do. I knew I'd be away from home for part of August, but I figured I'd have time to read the book, write a thoughtful post about it, and then set the post to show up on my appointed date. Why I believed this would happen, I now have no idea. But I had made a commitment, and here I am.
The first complication ensued when the book didn't arrive until a few days before we were heading out of town. Now, some people are organized. Some people don't go away to a folk festival and have the ongoing leak in their bedroom turn into a gaping hole, and spend the next week arguing with their landlord about how "I have to think about what to do" is not the appropriate response to large, wet holes in their tenants' ceilings....
So, there I am. I have a brand new, gorgeous book of erotica, and instead, I'm spending my time fuming about what an idiot my landlord is. Oh, right, and also making sure the car is as ready as possible for a 1500 mile road trip. Oh, and packing for said road trip. Not to mention all of the various other things I was doing. So in the two or three days I had the book before leaving home, I only had a chance to glance at a few of the stories.
What does this mean for what I thought of the book?
Well, being the responsible person I was, I decided to take the book along with me on vacation. But also being who I am, there was *no* way I was going to read a book of erotica in my usual fashion (you know, the kind that involves a vibrator or a hand down my pants) while sleeping in a friend's living room.
So I read the stories more for content than for getting off. And I'm pleased to say that the stories were worth reading, even when I had both hands on the book.
One of the things that caught my attention was how many of the stories focused on the dynamics of relationships. Maybe it's because I so often skim until I get to the "good parts," but I don't remember noticing the characters in erotica as people who happen to engage in spanking (or sex) so much in other books.
I also really appreciated the stories that demonstrated an intersection between spankings and "real life." The three stories I'm thinking most of are "Daddy's Girl" by Teresa Noelle Roberts (an interesting take on Daddy/daughter role plays), "Pink Cheeks" by Fiona Locke (exploring the question of where life on newsgroups meets with reality), and "Page by Page" by Laura Bacchi (looking at what happens when a professional masochist begins to fall for her client). Sure, the spankings and sex in these stories were quite hot (also true of the other stories in the anthology, naturally!), but the characters shone through as people as well. (Okay, that is also true of the other stories in the book.)
I'm not saying I'm going to confine my reading of this book to times when I will have to keep both hands on the book, because, as I've mentioned, the stories are hot. And if something can get me warmed up and squirmy, even when I'm sleeping on the fold-out couch in someone else's living room, with them only an unlocked door away....
Stay tuned for tomorrow's post, over at Essin-Em. And check out the other great blogs that have participated in this book tour here!
Oh, right, and the contest!
Now, your prize will either be a nice postcard promoting the book (presuming I can find it again--I will send it in a friendly envelope so you don't have to explain to your mailman what kind of friends you have) or, if you're really lucky, a copy of the book itself. Plus, you get the invaluable knowledge that you were the first one with the correct answer. And you get to show off how good your memory is for erotica.
So, here's the contest:
Go to this page on Amazon, and search for "Betty Crocker Gone Bad." Choose page 17 (or browse the whole story--I'm not sure how much you can see without buying it). Read that page, or as much of the story as you are able, and then figure out where else it has appeared.
The first person to tell me where they saw the other version of this story, and to list three differences between the version in Spanked and the other source, wins the prize, whatever it may be. ;)
(click the photo to see the book on Amazon)
A month or so ago, I got an email from Rachel Kramer Bussel ( here's her blog ), inviting me to be a part of an online book tour.
At the time, it seemed like a manageable thing to do. I knew I'd be away from home for part of August, but I figured I'd have time to read the book, write a thoughtful post about it, and then set the post to show up on my appointed date. Why I believed this would happen, I now have no idea. But I had made a commitment, and here I am.
The first complication ensued when the book didn't arrive until a few days before we were heading out of town. Now, some people are organized. Some people don't go away to a folk festival and have the ongoing leak in their bedroom turn into a gaping hole, and spend the next week arguing with their landlord about how "I have to think about what to do" is not the appropriate response to large, wet holes in their tenants' ceilings....
So, there I am. I have a brand new, gorgeous book of erotica, and instead, I'm spending my time fuming about what an idiot my landlord is. Oh, right, and also making sure the car is as ready as possible for a 1500 mile road trip. Oh, and packing for said road trip. Not to mention all of the various other things I was doing. So in the two or three days I had the book before leaving home, I only had a chance to glance at a few of the stories.
What does this mean for what I thought of the book?
Well, being the responsible person I was, I decided to take the book along with me on vacation. But also being who I am, there was *no* way I was going to read a book of erotica in my usual fashion (you know, the kind that involves a vibrator or a hand down my pants) while sleeping in a friend's living room.
So I read the stories more for content than for getting off. And I'm pleased to say that the stories were worth reading, even when I had both hands on the book.
One of the things that caught my attention was how many of the stories focused on the dynamics of relationships. Maybe it's because I so often skim until I get to the "good parts," but I don't remember noticing the characters in erotica as people who happen to engage in spanking (or sex) so much in other books.
I also really appreciated the stories that demonstrated an intersection between spankings and "real life." The three stories I'm thinking most of are "Daddy's Girl" by Teresa Noelle Roberts (an interesting take on Daddy/daughter role plays), "Pink Cheeks" by Fiona Locke (exploring the question of where life on newsgroups meets with reality), and "Page by Page" by Laura Bacchi (looking at what happens when a professional masochist begins to fall for her client). Sure, the spankings and sex in these stories were quite hot (also true of the other stories in the anthology, naturally!), but the characters shone through as people as well. (Okay, that is also true of the other stories in the book.)
I'm not saying I'm going to confine my reading of this book to times when I will have to keep both hands on the book, because, as I've mentioned, the stories are hot. And if something can get me warmed up and squirmy, even when I'm sleeping on the fold-out couch in someone else's living room, with them only an unlocked door away....
Stay tuned for tomorrow's post, over at Essin-Em. And check out the other great blogs that have participated in this book tour here!
Oh, right, and the contest!
Now, your prize will either be a nice postcard promoting the book (presuming I can find it again--I will send it in a friendly envelope so you don't have to explain to your mailman what kind of friends you have) or, if you're really lucky, a copy of the book itself. Plus, you get the invaluable knowledge that you were the first one with the correct answer. And you get to show off how good your memory is for erotica.
So, here's the contest:
Go to this page on Amazon, and search for "Betty Crocker Gone Bad." Choose page 17 (or browse the whole story--I'm not sure how much you can see without buying it). Read that page, or as much of the story as you are able, and then figure out where else it has appeared.
The first person to tell me where they saw the other version of this story, and to list three differences between the version in Spanked and the other source, wins the prize, whatever it may be. ;)
20 July, 2008
decisions, decisions
specifically, do i write, or do i get another spanking?
seems like the answer should be easy, right? i don't want a spanking right now. pretty much i (the part) *never* want a spanking. but then, maybe there's some subconscious thing going on, because i keep on doing things that will earn me a spanking.
and it's not like there aren't parts who can write. there are tons of parts of this system... lots of people who live in my body, and who love to write. who would spend their days expressing themselves in words, and more words.
and it's not like the rules say it has to be *me* who writes. but somehow, i find myself stuck out here, and i really hate doing this.
so i go back to that first question: do i write, or do i get another spanking?
i don't FEEL like writing.
and i don't WANT another spanking.
but i guess i've gotten this far so i may as well try to write something, since why else would i bother to post anything in the first place.
part of the problem, maybe, is that i'm not even sure who i am. maybe that's hard for people ont he outside to get, or understand, or whatever. i know that i'm not one of the parts who feels really comfortable with writing. i usually can't even bear to look at what is happening while i'm doing it. i know some of the others can tell i'm around because i start to stare at the ceiling as i type so that i don't have to see it happening. so please forgive any typos, because i also really hate reading what i've written.
what's going on with me? maybe you want to know why i was getting a spanking in the first place. i guess it's because i didn't eat today, and i didn't journal, although maybe i did, i can't really remember. i know there was a fair amount of typing happening, but whether that was journaling, i couldn't precisely say. well, ok, so i do know that the specific kind of journaling, the kind the rule is aobut, that definitely didn't happen.
sometimes, i really wish that i could know why it is that i am breaking the rules. i'm not used to breaking rules for no good reason. i'm not used to pushing the boundaries. i'm the kind of person who always used to follow all the rules. but here i am, breaking them.
and really, this is all i can write just now. my head is hurting more and more, and i'm feeling nauseated. that is how much i hate to write. but maybe making myself do this was enough.
well, ok, so one of the reasons that i don't feel comfortable with writing is that it is really triggering and it makes me feel sick with fear to write things down, particularly things that are more specific and with details. i don't mind when some other part is writing a story, at least, mostly i don't mind, but i really don't like it when something about my life is getting written, and it is easier if writing just gets stopped generally, thanks. i'm pretty scared of someone finding out about the things i've written. well, like some specific people.... but i won't specify, because that feels like a way of making it happen.
seems like the answer should be easy, right? i don't want a spanking right now. pretty much i (the part) *never* want a spanking. but then, maybe there's some subconscious thing going on, because i keep on doing things that will earn me a spanking.
and it's not like there aren't parts who can write. there are tons of parts of this system... lots of people who live in my body, and who love to write. who would spend their days expressing themselves in words, and more words.
and it's not like the rules say it has to be *me* who writes. but somehow, i find myself stuck out here, and i really hate doing this.
so i go back to that first question: do i write, or do i get another spanking?
i don't FEEL like writing.
and i don't WANT another spanking.
but i guess i've gotten this far so i may as well try to write something, since why else would i bother to post anything in the first place.
part of the problem, maybe, is that i'm not even sure who i am. maybe that's hard for people ont he outside to get, or understand, or whatever. i know that i'm not one of the parts who feels really comfortable with writing. i usually can't even bear to look at what is happening while i'm doing it. i know some of the others can tell i'm around because i start to stare at the ceiling as i type so that i don't have to see it happening. so please forgive any typos, because i also really hate reading what i've written.
what's going on with me? maybe you want to know why i was getting a spanking in the first place. i guess it's because i didn't eat today, and i didn't journal, although maybe i did, i can't really remember. i know there was a fair amount of typing happening, but whether that was journaling, i couldn't precisely say. well, ok, so i do know that the specific kind of journaling, the kind the rule is aobut, that definitely didn't happen.
sometimes, i really wish that i could know why it is that i am breaking the rules. i'm not used to breaking rules for no good reason. i'm not used to pushing the boundaries. i'm the kind of person who always used to follow all the rules. but here i am, breaking them.
and really, this is all i can write just now. my head is hurting more and more, and i'm feeling nauseated. that is how much i hate to write. but maybe making myself do this was enough.
well, ok, so one of the reasons that i don't feel comfortable with writing is that it is really triggering and it makes me feel sick with fear to write things down, particularly things that are more specific and with details. i don't mind when some other part is writing a story, at least, mostly i don't mind, but i really don't like it when something about my life is getting written, and it is easier if writing just gets stopped generally, thanks. i'm pretty scared of someone finding out about the things i've written. well, like some specific people.... but i won't specify, because that feels like a way of making it happen.
19 June, 2008
Nerd Porn
Natty mentioned something about nerd porn last week. Oddly, it was the same day that one of my friends introduced me to the little gem above (well, to the audio-only version of it, which I appreciate much more. So turn off your monitor and turn up your speakers for full enjoyment.)
So I thought I'd share that with you. Because we nerdy girls can enjoy it just as much as the guys do.
23 May, 2008
FLDS
Texas Court rules that children of FLDS should not have been removed from their homes
I don't know if you have been following the whole saga of the group of Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints. Google that, plus perhaps "removing children," because I'm not up to describing the whole situation.
Now the courts have ruled that it was wrong to remove the children, that there wasn't sufficient evidence to justify taking them away. It's supposed to be a happy ending, the families reunited, everything just ducky. And I am frothing with rage.
I know that the bulk of the fury I'm feeling over this is on behalf of myself, as a child. But I don't think I'm just projecting. The assumption I see, over and over, is that the rights of parents to maintain control over their children nearly always trump the rights of the children to be safe, so long as there is reasonable evidence that the children will survive to adulthood. This is not right. It just isn't.
Yes, the I am furious over this because of my own experience. I don't think that invalidates what I want to say. So let me tell a little bit about where my own rage is coming from.
At least once during my childhood, someone called children's services. They came, investigated, and determined that there was nothing going on, or at least, nothing that required intervention. But they were wrong. I know for certain that there was physical abuse (it did stop short of breaking bones), emotional abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, and neglect (I'm ambivalent on that one, since some of the neglect was unavoidable given my mother's lack of resources).
But because children's services determined that the kids in the household were likely to survive to adulthood, we were left there, and there was no other intervention.
And this just increased my parents' ability to continue with what they were doing. They punished me for having said things at school that led to the investigation (I'm unclear as to what, exactly happened at school; my memory is that I said something, not even realizing it was a huge red flag for abuse, and a teacher called it in.) And what I learned was, no one was going to intervene. What was happening to me at home was justified. For reasons I really did not understand, I deserved the things that happened, just as my siblings must deserve the things that happened to them.
It was a hard thing to figure out, particularly as I got older. When I was not quite twelve, and my youngest brother was not quite two, my stepfather was taking care of him, and beat him black and blue, from the middle of his thighs up to his lower back. And it was hard for me to see that this was justified, because what the h*ll could a toddler do, to deserve that? His crime? Not laying down to take his nap.
The thing is, the response within the family was largely that it had been wrong to do that, not because it is wrong to beat a child, but because my youngest brother had a heart problem and didn't get spanked like that. I mean, no one ever said that it was wrong to beat *any* toddler that severely. The only reason my brother shouldn't have gotten that "spanking" was because he was sickly.
I tend to shy away from describing my childhood as a time of unalleviated horror. It wasn't only horrible. And in many ways, my family did love me.
Would I want to have not spent my childhood with them? I really don't know. I can't imagine who I would be, or what my childhood would have been like, without that thread of abuse. I don't know who I would be, if that hadn't happened. Maybe it did make me stronger, or at least, more fierce in my anger at people who are treating children badly. It definitely made me more determined to succeed in school, because that was the only way I could imagine escaping: to get into a college on the other end of the country. But I'm pretty smart. I'm willing to bet that, even without the abuse, I probably would have been able to succeed in school. Heck, I might have done better, had I been responsible for less at home, had I been able to sleep soundly at night.
I'm not saying I don't love my family. In spite of all that was bad, there was also good. I do love them, and I wouldn't want to have had all contact cut off. But what happened was not ok. And when I see similar things happening, or the possibility of similar things happening, I am livid. The burden of proof should rest on the ones who are more powerful, to prove that they are not being abusive. Nobody, nobody has a right to abuse someone else.
What is more, having spent my adult life trying to understand that what happened to me when I was growing up was not justified, I shudder for the kids in these households. I was able to escape, because for all of her flaws, my mother also had times when she encouraged me to think for myself, and to protect myself (odd, from a woman who also would beat me harder if I tried to protect myself from her; strange, from a woman who felt it was right for her to have a full adult relationship with her teenaged daughter). And I spent enough time at school, around people who showed me a different way of living, that the thought was able to enter my head, "This is not right. This does not have to be happening." It was a very quiet thought, for a very long time. But it was there, enough that I could imagine escaping.
But the kids in the FLDS compound? They are being told that not only do their parents believe this is right, deserved, what they should do. They are being told that God ordains this. They do not have contact with anyone who is not a member of that sect.
Ok. So the court doesn't want to separate the children from their parents. Then they had damn sure better make certain they are keeping tabs, offering other thoughts, both to the children and their parents. But nothing I know about how children's services works, or how the negotiation between the rights of parents and the rights of children happens, leads me to believe that there will be any surveillance. The court has determined that these children are likely to survive to adulthood, so they are on their own.
And the message they are getting from this, in part, is that what is happening is justified; that when an adult tells them something is ordained by God, or is for the children's own good, or any of that garbage, then the children will believe that to be true. Because they have no evidence that says anything different.
I don't know if you have been following the whole saga of the group of Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints. Google that, plus perhaps "removing children," because I'm not up to describing the whole situation.
Now the courts have ruled that it was wrong to remove the children, that there wasn't sufficient evidence to justify taking them away. It's supposed to be a happy ending, the families reunited, everything just ducky. And I am frothing with rage.
I know that the bulk of the fury I'm feeling over this is on behalf of myself, as a child. But I don't think I'm just projecting. The assumption I see, over and over, is that the rights of parents to maintain control over their children nearly always trump the rights of the children to be safe, so long as there is reasonable evidence that the children will survive to adulthood. This is not right. It just isn't.
Yes, the I am furious over this because of my own experience. I don't think that invalidates what I want to say. So let me tell a little bit about where my own rage is coming from.
At least once during my childhood, someone called children's services. They came, investigated, and determined that there was nothing going on, or at least, nothing that required intervention. But they were wrong. I know for certain that there was physical abuse (it did stop short of breaking bones), emotional abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, and neglect (I'm ambivalent on that one, since some of the neglect was unavoidable given my mother's lack of resources).
But because children's services determined that the kids in the household were likely to survive to adulthood, we were left there, and there was no other intervention.
And this just increased my parents' ability to continue with what they were doing. They punished me for having said things at school that led to the investigation (I'm unclear as to what, exactly happened at school; my memory is that I said something, not even realizing it was a huge red flag for abuse, and a teacher called it in.) And what I learned was, no one was going to intervene. What was happening to me at home was justified. For reasons I really did not understand, I deserved the things that happened, just as my siblings must deserve the things that happened to them.
It was a hard thing to figure out, particularly as I got older. When I was not quite twelve, and my youngest brother was not quite two, my stepfather was taking care of him, and beat him black and blue, from the middle of his thighs up to his lower back. And it was hard for me to see that this was justified, because what the h*ll could a toddler do, to deserve that? His crime? Not laying down to take his nap.
The thing is, the response within the family was largely that it had been wrong to do that, not because it is wrong to beat a child, but because my youngest brother had a heart problem and didn't get spanked like that. I mean, no one ever said that it was wrong to beat *any* toddler that severely. The only reason my brother shouldn't have gotten that "spanking" was because he was sickly.
I tend to shy away from describing my childhood as a time of unalleviated horror. It wasn't only horrible. And in many ways, my family did love me.
Would I want to have not spent my childhood with them? I really don't know. I can't imagine who I would be, or what my childhood would have been like, without that thread of abuse. I don't know who I would be, if that hadn't happened. Maybe it did make me stronger, or at least, more fierce in my anger at people who are treating children badly. It definitely made me more determined to succeed in school, because that was the only way I could imagine escaping: to get into a college on the other end of the country. But I'm pretty smart. I'm willing to bet that, even without the abuse, I probably would have been able to succeed in school. Heck, I might have done better, had I been responsible for less at home, had I been able to sleep soundly at night.
I'm not saying I don't love my family. In spite of all that was bad, there was also good. I do love them, and I wouldn't want to have had all contact cut off. But what happened was not ok. And when I see similar things happening, or the possibility of similar things happening, I am livid. The burden of proof should rest on the ones who are more powerful, to prove that they are not being abusive. Nobody, nobody has a right to abuse someone else.
What is more, having spent my adult life trying to understand that what happened to me when I was growing up was not justified, I shudder for the kids in these households. I was able to escape, because for all of her flaws, my mother also had times when she encouraged me to think for myself, and to protect myself (odd, from a woman who also would beat me harder if I tried to protect myself from her; strange, from a woman who felt it was right for her to have a full adult relationship with her teenaged daughter). And I spent enough time at school, around people who showed me a different way of living, that the thought was able to enter my head, "This is not right. This does not have to be happening." It was a very quiet thought, for a very long time. But it was there, enough that I could imagine escaping.
But the kids in the FLDS compound? They are being told that not only do their parents believe this is right, deserved, what they should do. They are being told that God ordains this. They do not have contact with anyone who is not a member of that sect.
Ok. So the court doesn't want to separate the children from their parents. Then they had damn sure better make certain they are keeping tabs, offering other thoughts, both to the children and their parents. But nothing I know about how children's services works, or how the negotiation between the rights of parents and the rights of children happens, leads me to believe that there will be any surveillance. The court has determined that these children are likely to survive to adulthood, so they are on their own.
And the message they are getting from this, in part, is that what is happening is justified; that when an adult tells them something is ordained by God, or is for the children's own good, or any of that garbage, then the children will believe that to be true. Because they have no evidence that says anything different.
22 May, 2008
testing
i really wish that when parts are feeling the need to test people, there were some way of letting the people KNOW they were being tested. because, damn, i doubt people would do the same things if they knew what was behind the words the parts are saying. and double damn, it's hard to convince the other parts that their fears aren't true when every test they set up appears to confirm they are right.
the one today... she came out as my therapist was talking about how the rules and structure are a bad idea, and how we should stop because it just seems to generate testing (by the way: this is the first time she has ever said this; before, she was all for the rules, although she was a little doubtful about the spanking, but didn't seem to object beyond wanting to be sure it wasn't abusive.)
so then the other part came out. and was talking about how she just needs to learn to stop expecting people to help, because they pretty much aren't going to. that she should be willing to accept that other people will do things when it is easy, or if they see it as part of their job, but aren't going to help her to feel better. what did she want/need to hear? that it is a good thing to look for help, and she does not need to cope on her own. but my therapist was saying that she DOES need to stand on her own (i don't *think* in the same way this part was thinking, but i have nothing to prove that wasn't what she meant.)
the therapy session ended with that part saying she just wanted to understand what was wrong with her, that kept her from deserving help. my therapist said she would help her to understand what was wrong that kept her from deserving help. i'm pretty sure, once again, that my therapist didn't mean the same thing that part heard, but... there it is. and now that part is pretty much at the point of quitting therapy, because she has put this together with other things my therapist has said to mean that she (my therapist) basically wants us to suck it up and just convince ourselves that things are different than they are.
then, after therapy, a friend called. he wanted to talk about having picked up his new car, but that part was out really strongly, and was feeling ready for rejection at the drop of a hat. the friend commented that i/she sounded sad, she said "therapy," he said, "oh, ok. just wanted to tell you about picking up my new car. we can talk later." now, i figure he was respecting my space, and not intruding. i figure, had she said she wanted to talk, and needed some support, he would have been glad to do it. but what did she take from it? that people don't want her around when she is not doing well, and only want to talk to her if she is listening to them talk about what is going on in their lives.
i wish she had subtitles or a voiceover or something, letting people know what she is really saying when she says things. because what keeps happening is that a bunch of parts come out, and test people, and somehow, people keep confirming their negative beliefs.
the one today... she came out as my therapist was talking about how the rules and structure are a bad idea, and how we should stop because it just seems to generate testing (by the way: this is the first time she has ever said this; before, she was all for the rules, although she was a little doubtful about the spanking, but didn't seem to object beyond wanting to be sure it wasn't abusive.)
so then the other part came out. and was talking about how she just needs to learn to stop expecting people to help, because they pretty much aren't going to. that she should be willing to accept that other people will do things when it is easy, or if they see it as part of their job, but aren't going to help her to feel better. what did she want/need to hear? that it is a good thing to look for help, and she does not need to cope on her own. but my therapist was saying that she DOES need to stand on her own (i don't *think* in the same way this part was thinking, but i have nothing to prove that wasn't what she meant.)
the therapy session ended with that part saying she just wanted to understand what was wrong with her, that kept her from deserving help. my therapist said she would help her to understand what was wrong that kept her from deserving help. i'm pretty sure, once again, that my therapist didn't mean the same thing that part heard, but... there it is. and now that part is pretty much at the point of quitting therapy, because she has put this together with other things my therapist has said to mean that she (my therapist) basically wants us to suck it up and just convince ourselves that things are different than they are.
then, after therapy, a friend called. he wanted to talk about having picked up his new car, but that part was out really strongly, and was feeling ready for rejection at the drop of a hat. the friend commented that i/she sounded sad, she said "therapy," he said, "oh, ok. just wanted to tell you about picking up my new car. we can talk later." now, i figure he was respecting my space, and not intruding. i figure, had she said she wanted to talk, and needed some support, he would have been glad to do it. but what did she take from it? that people don't want her around when she is not doing well, and only want to talk to her if she is listening to them talk about what is going on in their lives.
i wish she had subtitles or a voiceover or something, letting people know what she is really saying when she says things. because what keeps happening is that a bunch of parts come out, and test people, and somehow, people keep confirming their negative beliefs.
21 May, 2008
and let me add it's not just that i'm a jerk. if it were just me i could understand why no one is helping but they are also not helping the parts they claim to like.
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what sucks is i can't even make w happy by killing myself because i can't think of a method i am sure would work and i do NOT want to get stuck in the hospital being told i am manipulative and histrionic again. and i guess it is manipulative to say how much i want to be dead if i have no idea how i would do it. i just wish if the pain won't go away and no one can or will help that the pain could just kill me and i wouldn't have to keep living with it. but no one can help and even people who insist they want to admit they wish i could just kill myself like w said last night. i don't know what is wrong with me that makes me unworthy of help.
Proof i was right
she said outright last night that she wished i could kill myself and leave the others behind. how long will it be before she admits that she wants all of the inconvenient parts dead so the only ones left are the ones who take care of her and don't ask for anything in return?
08 May, 2008
Whom? Whom?!
27 April, 2008
sunday
i'm supposed to write about the sunday maintenance spanking, but i really don't feel like it, so that's all i have to say on the subject. maybe i'll write more about it later.
20 April, 2008
sunday maintenance
another sunday, another sunday maintenance spanking i need to write about.
i don't know why it's so hard to write about these. i guess partly it's because it's pretty much the same every week, and i'm afraid it'll get boring: we checked in about last week, talked about my behavior, and then i got a spanking.
the main problem with my behavior last week is one i can see posing a problem this week, too. that is, i have really been feeling the need to push up against the edges of the limits. it's like i *need* to be breaking some rules, and need w to step in and enforce the rules.
but there's the problem of me also not wanting to hurt w's feelings, or make her unhappy... i really don't want her to be unhappy. and the problem is, very often, the way it works with the rules is that it's like she takes it personally. i mean, some of the things (like me being directly mean to her, or picking fights, or pushing her buttons) are definitely things that, on the surface, are about me wanting to hurt her feelings. the problem is, that's not my *goal*. it just kind of happens.
but there are other rules that it also seems like she takes personally. like bedtime. that's one that really is mostly about me--we've been sleeping in different rooms, so me being up late doesn't keep her up late. but in trying to set a tone for the discussions, w often personalizes things, saying that i'm keeping her up late, or something like that.
that came up partly when we were talking about how i need some rules i can break without it being about her, so that i don't need to intentionally break the rules that *are* more for her benefit. and i pointed out that it seemed to me like any rule i broke would wind up being personal.
so it's a frustrating thing. i haven't been able to figure out what it is that puts me in this state of needing to break a rule. well, i guess part of it is that every so often i need a spanking that's hard enough that i can still feel the effects after a couple of days. and it's been a while since i last had one of those, and i'm guessing that i'm gonna keep pushing until i wind up getting one of those.
but the weird thing is, it's not like i *enjoy* them, not those ones. pretty much any spanking i'm getting, after one or maybe two swats, while it is happening, i'm pretty sure it's been "enough." that i won't need another spanking for a really long time. but it's way less often that i can feel the spanking for a while afterwards, and when that doesn't happen, it's like i'm not able to bring the limit testing to an end, at least, not on my own.
but at the same time, i'm really wishing i could think of a way of testing the limits without hurting w. but the rules that are more likely to get me spanked are things like picking fights with her, or stuff like that. or skipping meals, but i've been trying hard not to do that one, because i do recognize that it's bad for me to skip meals.
anyhow. so that's what's been going through my head after this week's maintenance spanking.
i don't know why it's so hard to write about these. i guess partly it's because it's pretty much the same every week, and i'm afraid it'll get boring: we checked in about last week, talked about my behavior, and then i got a spanking.
the main problem with my behavior last week is one i can see posing a problem this week, too. that is, i have really been feeling the need to push up against the edges of the limits. it's like i *need* to be breaking some rules, and need w to step in and enforce the rules.
but there's the problem of me also not wanting to hurt w's feelings, or make her unhappy... i really don't want her to be unhappy. and the problem is, very often, the way it works with the rules is that it's like she takes it personally. i mean, some of the things (like me being directly mean to her, or picking fights, or pushing her buttons) are definitely things that, on the surface, are about me wanting to hurt her feelings. the problem is, that's not my *goal*. it just kind of happens.
but there are other rules that it also seems like she takes personally. like bedtime. that's one that really is mostly about me--we've been sleeping in different rooms, so me being up late doesn't keep her up late. but in trying to set a tone for the discussions, w often personalizes things, saying that i'm keeping her up late, or something like that.
that came up partly when we were talking about how i need some rules i can break without it being about her, so that i don't need to intentionally break the rules that *are* more for her benefit. and i pointed out that it seemed to me like any rule i broke would wind up being personal.
so it's a frustrating thing. i haven't been able to figure out what it is that puts me in this state of needing to break a rule. well, i guess part of it is that every so often i need a spanking that's hard enough that i can still feel the effects after a couple of days. and it's been a while since i last had one of those, and i'm guessing that i'm gonna keep pushing until i wind up getting one of those.
but the weird thing is, it's not like i *enjoy* them, not those ones. pretty much any spanking i'm getting, after one or maybe two swats, while it is happening, i'm pretty sure it's been "enough." that i won't need another spanking for a really long time. but it's way less often that i can feel the spanking for a while afterwards, and when that doesn't happen, it's like i'm not able to bring the limit testing to an end, at least, not on my own.
but at the same time, i'm really wishing i could think of a way of testing the limits without hurting w. but the rules that are more likely to get me spanked are things like picking fights with her, or stuff like that. or skipping meals, but i've been trying hard not to do that one, because i do recognize that it's bad for me to skip meals.
anyhow. so that's what's been going through my head after this week's maintenance spanking.
14 April, 2008
Startle
06 April, 2008
sunday maintenance
well, w wants me to write after each sunday maintenance spanking. this time around, i'm really not sure what to write about. it's been several weeks since i earned a punishment spanking, but she's been keeping up with the maintenance spankings.
deep down, i know that is probably a good idea. i mean, i know that when the maintenance spankings aren't happening, i don't do well. but i don't know why that is. i can't say what it is about the maintenance spankings, exactly, that helps.
the thing is, they make me more grounded. they kind of remind me that w cares about me and will keep me on track, no matter what.
but at the same time, it's a little strange, getting a spanking when i haven't done anything to be punished for. i mean, just because i know it works, doesn't mean that i like getting them. and spankings are usually seen as something that is either about sex or about punishment. and neither of those things is true with a maintenance spanking. i get them whether or not i have been bad. but they aren't about sex.
i don't know. they're weird. they do make me feel better, at least when they are over. i guess i feel this sense of being able to trust that w will follow through, be consistent, really be there for me. maybe there is a way we could do that without me having to get spanked. maybe just the check-in, and then i would only get a spanking if i'd misbehaved over the week before. but somehow, i guess that wouldn't wind up working.
it's pretty confusing to me. i know the spankings i get on sundays aren't as bad if i've followed the rules as they would be if i hadn't. and i know we're both relieved that we've had several weeks of good behavior.
the check-in before the spanking is also a good time for me (or whichever part is out at the time) to get any last bits of the week of my chest. so i can bring up things i feel guilty about, and we check in about them. it doesn't always affect how hard the spanking is. sometimes, it's just... i know it's something i feel bad about, and i guess it feels good to have the chance to talk about it with w. maybe i could talk about it just as easily in a different way... or maybe not. somehow, the corner time before a spanking, knowing i'm about to get the spanking, lets me sort through my thoughts and, i don't know, any bits and pieces i feel guilty about bubble up, and so i bring them up and talk about them.
and it's not like we don't talk throughout the week.
i guess the other thing i want to write about is how we are talking about this, at least some, with our couples' therapist. and i don't know how i feel about trying to explain to her what we're doing. i do know it's good, and it feels right to me. and really, it's not about sex.
oh, right. the maintenance spankings. how they can be something that isn't sex, and isn't punishment. i guess it's more like getting a vaccination or something. like, a little bit of discomfort, to prevent a larger amount of discomfort later? or to prevent having something go really wrong?
not sure. just thinking things through. i guess that's all i have to say right now.
deep down, i know that is probably a good idea. i mean, i know that when the maintenance spankings aren't happening, i don't do well. but i don't know why that is. i can't say what it is about the maintenance spankings, exactly, that helps.
the thing is, they make me more grounded. they kind of remind me that w cares about me and will keep me on track, no matter what.
but at the same time, it's a little strange, getting a spanking when i haven't done anything to be punished for. i mean, just because i know it works, doesn't mean that i like getting them. and spankings are usually seen as something that is either about sex or about punishment. and neither of those things is true with a maintenance spanking. i get them whether or not i have been bad. but they aren't about sex.
i don't know. they're weird. they do make me feel better, at least when they are over. i guess i feel this sense of being able to trust that w will follow through, be consistent, really be there for me. maybe there is a way we could do that without me having to get spanked. maybe just the check-in, and then i would only get a spanking if i'd misbehaved over the week before. but somehow, i guess that wouldn't wind up working.
it's pretty confusing to me. i know the spankings i get on sundays aren't as bad if i've followed the rules as they would be if i hadn't. and i know we're both relieved that we've had several weeks of good behavior.
the check-in before the spanking is also a good time for me (or whichever part is out at the time) to get any last bits of the week of my chest. so i can bring up things i feel guilty about, and we check in about them. it doesn't always affect how hard the spanking is. sometimes, it's just... i know it's something i feel bad about, and i guess it feels good to have the chance to talk about it with w. maybe i could talk about it just as easily in a different way... or maybe not. somehow, the corner time before a spanking, knowing i'm about to get the spanking, lets me sort through my thoughts and, i don't know, any bits and pieces i feel guilty about bubble up, and so i bring them up and talk about them.
and it's not like we don't talk throughout the week.
i guess the other thing i want to write about is how we are talking about this, at least some, with our couples' therapist. and i don't know how i feel about trying to explain to her what we're doing. i do know it's good, and it feels right to me. and really, it's not about sex.
oh, right. the maintenance spankings. how they can be something that isn't sex, and isn't punishment. i guess it's more like getting a vaccination or something. like, a little bit of discomfort, to prevent a larger amount of discomfort later? or to prevent having something go really wrong?
not sure. just thinking things through. i guess that's all i have to say right now.
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