21 May, 2008

what sucks is i can't even make w happy by killing myself because i can't think of a method i am sure would work and i do NOT want to get stuck in the hospital being told i am manipulative and histrionic again. and i guess it is manipulative to say how much i want to be dead if i have no idea how i would do it. i just wish if the pain won't go away and no one can or will help that the pain could just kill me and i wouldn't have to keep living with it. but no one can help and even people who insist they want to admit they wish i could just kill myself like w said last night. i don't know what is wrong with me that makes me unworthy of help.

4 comments:

sparkle said...

JA,

A small part of you knows that this isn't true.

And if any of your people kill anyone, it had better not end up in you being dead. Tell them to go kick themselves in the ass and go into hibernation or something.

Be good to yourself,
sparkle

Daddy'sLucy said...

JA-- I don't want to speak for W, but I am sure she didn't mean that. She should not have said that, yes, but I am sure she didn't mean that.

I'll echo sparkle here: Be good to yourself. With love,

Lucy

Nic said...

JA,

NOTHING in you makes you unworthy of help. And I'm not sure you DO know that, because you certainly aren't the first victim of trauma that I've heard voice similar things, myself included.

The thing is, I think you might be confusing W's frustration and even despair, for her actually leaving, like others in your life have. She may not be crazy about the personality that's out right now. But she spoke out of frustration, not anything literal. STOP trying to think of good ways to do it. Breathe, get through this moment. Then the next.

We think you're wonderful, and W cherishes you, all of you--some parts are just harder for her than others (I think, and I also don't want to speak for her, but from things I've heard her say)

Jigsaw Analogy said...

thanks. i'm hoping the part who was so upset is able to hear this in a helpful way; i won't comment beyond that right now, since it was her post. --ellis