20 July, 2008

decisions, decisions

specifically, do i write, or do i get another spanking?

seems like the answer should be easy, right? i don't want a spanking right now. pretty much i (the part) *never* want a spanking. but then, maybe there's some subconscious thing going on, because i keep on doing things that will earn me a spanking.

and it's not like there aren't parts who can write. there are tons of parts of this system... lots of people who live in my body, and who love to write. who would spend their days expressing themselves in words, and more words.

and it's not like the rules say it has to be *me* who writes. but somehow, i find myself stuck out here, and i really hate doing this.

so i go back to that first question: do i write, or do i get another spanking?

i don't FEEL like writing.

and i don't WANT another spanking.

but i guess i've gotten this far so i may as well try to write something, since why else would i bother to post anything in the first place.

part of the problem, maybe, is that i'm not even sure who i am. maybe that's hard for people ont he outside to get, or understand, or whatever. i know that i'm not one of the parts who feels really comfortable with writing. i usually can't even bear to look at what is happening while i'm doing it. i know some of the others can tell i'm around because i start to stare at the ceiling as i type so that i don't have to see it happening. so please forgive any typos, because i also really hate reading what i've written.

what's going on with me? maybe you want to know why i was getting a spanking in the first place. i guess it's because i didn't eat today, and i didn't journal, although maybe i did, i can't really remember. i know there was a fair amount of typing happening, but whether that was journaling, i couldn't precisely say. well, ok, so i do know that the specific kind of journaling, the kind the rule is aobut, that definitely didn't happen.

sometimes, i really wish that i could know why it is that i am breaking the rules. i'm not used to breaking rules for no good reason. i'm not used to pushing the boundaries. i'm the kind of person who always used to follow all the rules. but here i am, breaking them.

and really, this is all i can write just now. my head is hurting more and more, and i'm feeling nauseated. that is how much i hate to write. but maybe making myself do this was enough.

well, ok, so one of the reasons that i don't feel comfortable with writing is that it is really triggering and it makes me feel sick with fear to write things down, particularly things that are more specific and with details. i don't mind when some other part is writing a story, at least, mostly i don't mind, but i really don't like it when something about my life is getting written, and it is easier if writing just gets stopped generally, thanks. i'm pretty scared of someone finding out about the things i've written. well, like some specific people.... but i won't specify, because that feels like a way of making it happen.