22 May, 2008


i really wish that when parts are feeling the need to test people, there were some way of letting the people KNOW they were being tested. because, damn, i doubt people would do the same things if they knew what was behind the words the parts are saying. and double damn, it's hard to convince the other parts that their fears aren't true when every test they set up appears to confirm they are right.

the one today... she came out as my therapist was talking about how the rules and structure are a bad idea, and how we should stop because it just seems to generate testing (by the way: this is the first time she has ever said this; before, she was all for the rules, although she was a little doubtful about the spanking, but didn't seem to object beyond wanting to be sure it wasn't abusive.)

so then the other part came out. and was talking about how she just needs to learn to stop expecting people to help, because they pretty much aren't going to. that she should be willing to accept that other people will do things when it is easy, or if they see it as part of their job, but aren't going to help her to feel better. what did she want/need to hear? that it is a good thing to look for help, and she does not need to cope on her own. but my therapist was saying that she DOES need to stand on her own (i don't *think* in the same way this part was thinking, but i have nothing to prove that wasn't what she meant.)

the therapy session ended with that part saying she just wanted to understand what was wrong with her, that kept her from deserving help. my therapist said she would help her to understand what was wrong that kept her from deserving help. i'm pretty sure, once again, that my therapist didn't mean the same thing that part heard, but... there it is. and now that part is pretty much at the point of quitting therapy, because she has put this together with other things my therapist has said to mean that she (my therapist) basically wants us to suck it up and just convince ourselves that things are different than they are.

then, after therapy, a friend called. he wanted to talk about having picked up his new car, but that part was out really strongly, and was feeling ready for rejection at the drop of a hat. the friend commented that i/she sounded sad, she said "therapy," he said, "oh, ok. just wanted to tell you about picking up my new car. we can talk later." now, i figure he was respecting my space, and not intruding. i figure, had she said she wanted to talk, and needed some support, he would have been glad to do it. but what did she take from it? that people don't want her around when she is not doing well, and only want to talk to her if she is listening to them talk about what is going on in their lives.

i wish she had subtitles or a voiceover or something, letting people know what she is really saying when she says things. because what keeps happening is that a bunch of parts come out, and test people, and somehow, people keep confirming their negative beliefs.


Daddy'sLucy said...


That's a tough spot to be in. I think a lot of people test when they get in a bad place, parts or no parts, you know? I know there have been times when I have said something to my partner, and already decided, "If he says "x" then it means we're okay and he loves me, but if he says "y" then it means he's mad and doesn't love me," and that's never been the case.

It sounds like you (or whatever part was writing this post) have a good grip on what that part was feeling. I hope she (and you [all]) feel better soon, and I hope she is able to stop testing and expecting negative feedback, and start being able to look at things from a positive perspective.

Glad you seem to be doing a little better (am I right?),


Jigsaw Analogy said...

for me, a lot of it depends on who is out. and since i (ellis) am out right at this moment, things are a little better, yeah. but the other parts... well, they're still having a hard time. it's hard to describe, since i'm getting the *physical* symptoms of them being upset, just not the emotional ones right now.