20 April, 2008

sunday maintenance

another sunday, another sunday maintenance spanking i need to write about.

i don't know why it's so hard to write about these. i guess partly it's because it's pretty much the same every week, and i'm afraid it'll get boring: we checked in about last week, talked about my behavior, and then i got a spanking.

the main problem with my behavior last week is one i can see posing a problem this week, too. that is, i have really been feeling the need to push up against the edges of the limits. it's like i *need* to be breaking some rules, and need w to step in and enforce the rules.

but there's the problem of me also not wanting to hurt w's feelings, or make her unhappy... i really don't want her to be unhappy. and the problem is, very often, the way it works with the rules is that it's like she takes it personally. i mean, some of the things (like me being directly mean to her, or picking fights, or pushing her buttons) are definitely things that, on the surface, are about me wanting to hurt her feelings. the problem is, that's not my *goal*. it just kind of happens.

but there are other rules that it also seems like she takes personally. like bedtime. that's one that really is mostly about me--we've been sleeping in different rooms, so me being up late doesn't keep her up late. but in trying to set a tone for the discussions, w often personalizes things, saying that i'm keeping her up late, or something like that.

that came up partly when we were talking about how i need some rules i can break without it being about her, so that i don't need to intentionally break the rules that *are* more for her benefit. and i pointed out that it seemed to me like any rule i broke would wind up being personal.

so it's a frustrating thing. i haven't been able to figure out what it is that puts me in this state of needing to break a rule. well, i guess part of it is that every so often i need a spanking that's hard enough that i can still feel the effects after a couple of days. and it's been a while since i last had one of those, and i'm guessing that i'm gonna keep pushing until i wind up getting one of those.

but the weird thing is, it's not like i *enjoy* them, not those ones. pretty much any spanking i'm getting, after one or maybe two swats, while it is happening, i'm pretty sure it's been "enough." that i won't need another spanking for a really long time. but it's way less often that i can feel the spanking for a while afterwards, and when that doesn't happen, it's like i'm not able to bring the limit testing to an end, at least, not on my own.

but at the same time, i'm really wishing i could think of a way of testing the limits without hurting w. but the rules that are more likely to get me spanked are things like picking fights with her, or stuff like that. or skipping meals, but i've been trying hard not to do that one, because i do recognize that it's bad for me to skip meals.

anyhow. so that's what's been going through my head after this week's maintenance spanking.

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