well, w wants me to write after each sunday maintenance spanking. this time around, i'm really not sure what to write about. it's been several weeks since i earned a punishment spanking, but she's been keeping up with the maintenance spankings.
deep down, i know that is probably a good idea. i mean, i know that when the maintenance spankings aren't happening, i don't do well. but i don't know why that is. i can't say what it is about the maintenance spankings, exactly, that helps.
the thing is, they make me more grounded. they kind of remind me that w cares about me and will keep me on track, no matter what.
but at the same time, it's a little strange, getting a spanking when i haven't done anything to be punished for. i mean, just because i know it works, doesn't mean that i like getting them. and spankings are usually seen as something that is either about sex or about punishment. and neither of those things is true with a maintenance spanking. i get them whether or not i have been bad. but they aren't about sex.
i don't know. they're weird. they do make me feel better, at least when they are over. i guess i feel this sense of being able to trust that w will follow through, be consistent, really be there for me. maybe there is a way we could do that without me having to get spanked. maybe just the check-in, and then i would only get a spanking if i'd misbehaved over the week before. but somehow, i guess that wouldn't wind up working.
it's pretty confusing to me. i know the spankings i get on sundays aren't as bad if i've followed the rules as they would be if i hadn't. and i know we're both relieved that we've had several weeks of good behavior.
the check-in before the spanking is also a good time for me (or whichever part is out at the time) to get any last bits of the week of my chest. so i can bring up things i feel guilty about, and we check in about them. it doesn't always affect how hard the spanking is. sometimes, it's just... i know it's something i feel bad about, and i guess it feels good to have the chance to talk about it with w. maybe i could talk about it just as easily in a different way... or maybe not. somehow, the corner time before a spanking, knowing i'm about to get the spanking, lets me sort through my thoughts and, i don't know, any bits and pieces i feel guilty about bubble up, and so i bring them up and talk about them.
and it's not like we don't talk throughout the week.
i guess the other thing i want to write about is how we are talking about this, at least some, with our couples' therapist. and i don't know how i feel about trying to explain to her what we're doing. i do know it's good, and it feels right to me. and really, it's not about sex.
oh, right. the maintenance spankings. how they can be something that isn't sex, and isn't punishment. i guess it's more like getting a vaccination or something. like, a little bit of discomfort, to prevent a larger amount of discomfort later? or to prevent having something go really wrong?
not sure. just thinking things through. i guess that's all i have to say right now.