w was not happy with the post i wrote last week for my post-spanking journal, so she gave me a set of questions i have to answer after each spanking from now on.
i got my sunday spanking today. partly, it was just because it was sunday. but last week was not a good week at all. i broke a lot of rules, and i got a lot of punishments, mostly for not eating three meals a day, and for having attitude. i am also owed a punishment for going out after w was asleep one night, and for not being home when i was supposed to be another night (it wasn't technically against the rules, but i knew when it did it that it was wrong). w decided to wait until she's had more time to cool down because she does not want to punish me out of anger.
before this week's spanking i had a lot of attitude. i have been having a hard time lately, and pushing w's buttons a lot and also just not doing very well. it's complicated, because some of that is because i can't make myself trust that she isn't just going to go away and if i'm afraid of getting rejected then it seems like a better plan to push so that she will go away sooner, instead of having it come when i don't expect it. and some of the pushing and stuff from me i think is because if i'm having lots of flashbacks, i can stop having them if i am focused on being bad right now. back when i was growing up, i had to focus so hard on being good all the time, whether or not someone was paying attention, and i had to be in charge of making myself be responsible about things that my family didn't care about (like schoolwork) so i had to just be good and responsible all the time. so i can kind of remind myself that things are different now by being bad. it's not the best way, but it's a way that i can believe more than all the stupid "i am in a safe place" stuff. because you can tell yourself over and over that you're in a safe place but maybe you won't really believe it until you know for sure.
and even though i might not trust w to stick around or to be there if i'm not perfect, or to keep loving me, or to really love me in the first place... but i DO trust her not to be abusive or to hurt me on purpose or to do something that isn't safe. so i can work out my feelings by being a jerk which i know is wrong but i dont know what to do instead.
the other thing is that maybe she will give up on me and i might as well get that over with and i wont really believe shes sticking around unless i actually let myself be bad because only an idiot who has had the experiences ive had would just take someone at their word without testing. because LOTS of people tell me things but they usually dont mean it. so even though i know its wrong to test i still do it.
before the spanking i was resentful and resistant and full of bad attitude. i feel different now mostly i am willing to write and the fact i am writing should show that. i still have that feeling where i need to push because i dont trust that w will have the energy to keep following through with me and also she sometimes gets careless about how hard she hits so if a spanking is going to be just a little hard but not very then i dont mind getting it that much but if its going to be like the end of this weeks spanking, then i will do my best to avoid it, because the end of this weeks spanking hurt like crazy.
w has started giving a set number of strokes and that is useful. she also stopped a couple of times during the spanking to talk to me about things like the rules i'd broken last week and how i will have to do better. that was useful.
one thing that isn't very useful is that when i've got a lot of strokes, she goes light on more of them, so it's less effective. i think maybe she is worried she will hurt me in the wrong way but pretty much she can't do serious damage with anything we use. or maybe she doesn't notice how the strokes are falling. after she was done with the number she had planned i knew that it hadnt been all that bad even though it was a lot but a lot of them werent that hard. so i fessed up about that and she gave me 140 more and most of those were HARD and boy, if that were how she spanked all the time, i think i would be good more of the time.
i guess thats all for now.